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« Anonymous Death Threat | Main | Ice Cream and Casual Tuesday »
Tuesday
Oct232007

Fernandez is not a Mexican

Although Fernandez was born in Mexico, he is not a Mexican.

And although his birth parents are both Mexican, he is not a Mexican. He speaks Spanish, likes Mexican food and music, and drinks tequila--but a Mexican, he is not.

Fernandez is the Vice President of Special Projects. When an executive is put in charge of "Special Projects", it means he can't do anything, including getting other people to do what he can't do himself.

He used to be VP of Infrastructure, but made too many bad decisions, which is why Possa, the new VP of Infrastructure, won't make any decisions. What Fernandez couldn't do, Possa won't do. What Fernandez failed completing, Possa won't even begin.

Fernandez has a lazy eye. Nobody can ever remember which eye is lazy and which is not, and since they don't work well together, nobody ever really knows who he's looking at when he speaks to a group of people and who should actually answer his questions. Unless he specifies a person's name, most everyone in the room is hesitant to answer, not knowing exactly who he's looking at.

As VP of Special Projects, he handles projects and tasks that nobody else wants to do but that must be worked on by someone. Like compliance and legal projects. But he has no staff so he has to convince other people to do his projects for him, which he couldn't even do with his own staff when he was VP of Infrastructure.

"Do you want to be a witness or a defendant at the trial?" he asks.

This is how he tries to scare me into doing his projects and tasks. In other words, if I don't do the legal or compliance project or task, the company could be sued, and since I'm responsible for the system, I could be liable as well.  

I tell him that I'm very scared and will get right on it. I then avoid him and never do the project or task. 

But although he can't get his projects and tasks completed, nobody notices because nobody cares about his projects and tasks getting completed. Senior management only cares that the projects and tasks are being worked on and could care less if they ever get completed. 

It's a good thing, because Fernandez can't do anything.

For example, Fernandez can't:

  • Develop strategic plans
  • Develop a plan so ambiguous nobody understands it and call it a strategic plan
  • Foster relationships across divisions
  • Foster a relationship with the stapler on his desk
  • Complete important tasks
  • Complete menial tasks
  • Make good decisions
  • Make bad decisions and blame someone else
  • Communicate well with clients
  • Communicate poorly with clients but make it look like the clients are to blame
  • Memorize more than two sequential digits
  • Chew gum and walk
  • Chew gum and crawl
  • Sharpen a pencil
  • Spell "Imbecile"
  • Piss standing up
  • Shit sitting down
  • Peel and eat a banana

These are just some of the things Fernandez can't do.  Do you see where I'm going with this?

Fernandez is not a Mexican. Fernandez is clearly a Mexican't. 

Reader Comments (3)

Further proof of my own insanity is that I came to your blog to research methods for dealing with an inept Director.

March 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim(EricsTXGal)

Yeah, be careful. My methods don't always work. I tried to drive Fernandez insane and HR decided I was the one who lost my sanity. Worked out in my favor (with the tree sex and all), but still, take advice from me with caution.

March 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Thanks for the word of caution. I was discriminatory and took only the phrases that worked for my needs; using the others to further satisfy my own darker needs and cravings for intellectual humor. Your world is insanity in its purest form, and I applaud you!

March 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim (EricsTXGal)

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