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« Under Commit, Over Deliver | Main | Budget Meeting Part V »

Fire Drill Friday

I was sent to HR again today for burning to death in the pretend fire during the pretend fire drill.

16555.jpgI'm not a big fan of fire drills. They're for children. As adults, we all know what we'll do if there's a real fire no matter how many times we practice being calm and orderly: we're getting our asses out of the building any way we can. And you think we're going to stop to listen to the guys in red vests? They'll be trampled like grandma in a mosh pit.

So when the fire alarm went off, I just stayed in my office. Tefft saw me in my office and started screaming as if the pretend fire was actually going to burn me to death. Then she must have remembered she doesn't like me and left running for the stairwell whistling a happy tune.

In fact, I saw a lot of concerned looks that quickly melted into Let him burn looks.

After the fire drill, I was summoned to HR to meet with Triplet.

"If that had been a real fire, you would be dead now," Triplet said.

"Which means you wouldn't be talking to me right now either," I said. "So if we're going to continue to pretend this was a real fire, can I pretend to be dead and leave now?"

Triplet never enjoys my sarcasm. Not because she doesn't appreciate the humor, but because she doesn't recognize there's even been an attempt to convey humor. She takes her job very seriously even though her job is the most humorous. For example, today, her job is to convince me that I have been killed by a pretend fire because I did not follow the rules.

"I think this has something to do with your suicidal tendencies," she said.

"You mean to say that I neglected to exit the building because I intended to commit suicide by pretend fire?"

"My point is, while the rest of us were practicing how to escape a fire, you were practicing how to be killed by a fire."

There was no arguing with Triplet. I apologized and said I would not practice killing myself anymore. But just to be safe, I asked her to let me know the exact time of the next fire drill so that I could exit the building early, go across the street and get a cup of coffee. That way, my suicidal tendencies would not put me in harms way again with another pretend fire.

She agreed to let me know.

Reader Comments (10)

This is great; I do the same thing during fire drills. Ironically, I'm the one with the orange vest!

December 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLdL

Perhaps she'll let you know when it's a real fire too. Always a good time to pop out for a coffee I feel.

December 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRich

An orange vest can be cool at a bar or club, but not at work. It's just too flashy. They should have you wear something more appropriate. Like a fireman's hat. That would be cool.

December 1, 2007 | Registered CommenterJason X

So much for peace time training... come to think of it, perhaps it just add abit of spice to an mundane job...

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commentertheoneguy from mybloglog

I spend every day of my life going to buildings with offices just like yours to create evacuation plans in case of a fire, I then conduct a fire drill before I leave to test that evac plan. I find it offensive that smart alecs like yourself cannot participate in fire drills which can actually SAVE YOUR LIFE in an emergency. Grow up and take the chip off your shoulder, you are not a genius who knows how to leave a building without proper practice. This is serious business and if I ever ran into this suicidal fool I'd put my pointer fingers in each of his ears and press in real hard until it hurt him and he made a sound to let me know he was in pain and then I would stop, maybe that would snap some sense into him!!

December 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFireDrillGeneral

Pardon me, but I take burning to death in a pretend fire very seriously. I learned my lesson the hard way. Now I have to live with the pretend third degree burns all over my body. How do you think I feel everytime I go out into public? If anyone could tell I had pretend burns all over my body, they would point and yell "He's hideous!"

Pointer fingers in my ears? Lucia wanted to try something with her pointer finger once, but I wouldn't let her. And I wouldn't let you either, pal...

December 8, 2007 | Registered CommenterJason X

el oh el

December 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commentert3hb0ss

But if Triplet tells you WHEN the next pretend fire drill is going to take place, it takes the whole element of surprise out of it, thus, negating the "drill" aspect of the exercise. Obviously Triplet doesn't take her job THAT seriously or she would never disclose the time of the next drill merely to pander to an obviously non-compliant employee. I find this willingness on the part of Triplet to set aside her sacred responsibility to keep the time of the next drill a secret highly disturbing. I do have a solution however ... "pretend fire retardant clothing". Whilst wearing your pretend fire retardant clothing (and optional pretend breathing apparatus) you can happily, and safely, remain at your work station!

December 10, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKjinx

Thanks to the FireDrillGeneral I now have a new favorite quote:

you are not a genius who knows how to leave a building without proper practice.

Apparently, you have to be a genius to figure out how to find and use stairs and doors. - lol

August 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDustinM

Haha, yes. Practice makes perfect, even when it comes to opening a door.

August 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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