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« Performance Reviews | Main | Candy Bar Season »

HR and Candy Bars

As predicted, I was called down to HR today to discuss all the complaints they've been getting about me competing with employees' kids selling candy bars.

Triplet had my file on her desk in front of her; a very large file at that. There were worn edges on the manila file folder, like it had been flipped through many times. Lots of multi-color, multi-sized papers, including A4, which must have come from one of our International offices. I was surprised, because I couldn't think of anyone I had offended off-shore. Except maybe the Aussies. But I was under the impression Aussies were impossible to offend. Leave it to me...

Triplet shook her head, as if I were driving a school bus under the influence.  

"But you're taking business away from children who are raising money to support a legitimate cause," Triplet said.

"It's my understanding that the children themselves are supposed to be selling the candy bars, not their parents," I said. "So really, I'm just taking business away from cheaters. And since 'cheaters never prosper,' aren't I supporting a legitimate cause?"

This seemed to confuse Triplet greatly. She stammered for a moment, but finally found her footing as she always does.

"Regardless, you're selling the product of a competitor, which constitutes a conflict of interest," she said. "If you don't stop, it will be grounds for dismissal."

"We sell candy bars?" I asked, surprised.

Apparently we sell Sweet Tarts and suckers, which loosely compete with candy bars. Since the children are selling generic candy bars for charity, they are exempt. Not to mention, the children don't work for the company, cheaters or not.

I went back to my desk and changed my sign to read: Will trade candy bars for office supplies.  

There was a horrible shortage of office supplies in the building, so this was an opportunity to barter, which was not selling. I would also still benefit without creating a conflict of interest. And for whatever reason, the larger people in the company (those who really like candy bars) also seemed to have the best office supplies.

I love Uni-ball pens, but I only seem to get ball-point pens. I've discussed this with Teri, but she explained that every order that goes out must be approved by Mulhausen. He's a penny pincher even though it's not his money. So he always changes her order before it goes out so that he can save the company money. This savings is approximately $25 per order, according to Teri.

I now have 6 Uni-ball pens, 2 blue and 4 black.

I was again summoned to HR.

"You're still stealing business from the children," Triplet said.

"You mean the cheaters," I said.

"Regardless, I'm still getting complaints."

"I'm not selling the product, so there's no conflict of interest," I said.

"Yes, but..." she said.

Wait for it... Wait for it...

"Company assets," she said. "Are being utilized to obtain non-company products, which is strictly prohibited."  

"A pen is considered a company asset?" I asked.

"I'm just stating the policy. Now are you going to comply or not?"

I went back to my desk and changed my sign to read: Free candy bars.

People still complained, but not for long because the candy bars went like hot cakes. Or candy bars.

I then put up a sign that read: Lactose intolerant.

I didn't win the battle, but I won the war. Nobody bothers me to buy candy bars now. 

Reader Comments (3)


...cheaters never... uhh... you know, I know you just plain lobbed that one over the plate, but I can't bear to take a swing at it ;)

Goodonya with the uni-ball pens. Way, way better than stupid ballpoints.


January 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTildesee

There are always exceptions to the rule. I always seem to come out ahead. Maybe I was a saint in a previous life and no matter what I do in this life, it just doesn't outweigh the good I did in the previous one. Saint Jason X. I like that...

January 26, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Hi if you have talents in the field of cooking, especially at baking, then you can work for a company or can start your own business in chocolate candy making. And this business is an ideal fit for you.

April 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCandy Bars

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