Earthquake Preparedness
Thursday, November 13, 2008 at 03:01PM When I walked into work today, HR informed me that my entire staff had been killed in the pretend 
earthquake that occurred today at 10:00 am.
I left my place later than usual this morning and got stuck on the 405 Freeway, a.k.a. Highway to Hell. Some accident brought the freeway down to one lane near Santa Monica. It was backed up over the hill.
So while I sat comfortably in a traffic jam listening to Howard Stern on Sirius radio, everyone on my staff was supposed to be tucking and ducking under their respective desks in response to the pretend earthquake.
Unfortunately, they all died in the pretend earthquake because none of them pretended to tuck and duck because I was not there to lead by example.
Triplet, the VP of HR, called me down to her office to discuss my lackadaisical approach to pretend emergencies. The last time there was a pretend emergency, I died in a pretend fire.
"But this time," she said in a stern voice. "Your lack of participation killed your entire staff."
"Yes, that's what I've been told," I said. "But I'm still not clear on this. Did the pretend earthquake actually kill my staff? Or did the pretend earthquake only pretend to kill my entire staff?"
Triplet gave me the look she gives me with a sigh. "If it had been a real earthquake, they potentially could be dead since they didn't take action at the time of the pretend earthquake."
I tried to explain to her that the 405 was at fault here. I wanted to be here for the pretend earthquake. I didn't tell her the reason I wanted to be here for the pretend earthquake, since it was only to laugh at those pretending to tuck and duck.
"Well," I said. "I don't think following my example is a safer approach. The last time there was a real earthquake, I ran to the window to look down to see if the ground was opening up and swallowing up people... I don't think the window is a good place to stand during an earthquake."
"You're right, that's a horrible example," she said. "Bottom line is, you need to take responsibility as a leader during these pretend disasters. Your entire staff would be dead right now if there had been a real earthquake and your entire staff was killed by it."
I told her I would think about that fact and make a more concerted effort to pretend there are real emergencies so that there will be no more pretend casualties on my watch.
Reader Comments (7)
That is both totally random and hilarious...
You should have a pretend tsunami next!
Suggest a pretend disaster recovery plan next time one is asked of you =)
Good ideas everyone. I will definitely be doing Tsunami preparedness. And a pretend disaster recovery where nobody can work because our network is pretending to be down. Then I'll take my team to the movies...
Funny thing, facilities director sent me a "bad manager" email today too. During our pretend earthquake, I ran across the street to Starbucks and watched all the pretend earthquake victims haul over to their designated mtg spots.
I told my team a long time ago that our designated meeting spot, for any pretend disaster, tsunamis included, will always be across the street at Starbucks.
I told the facilities director that my team failed to follow my plan.
Fucking brilliant post. Very funny and witty. You must be from Whittier.
Thanks, Ray. Thanks for reading. But please, no more puns. People might get the idea we're I.T. geeks or something...