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« Virgin Killer | Main | Bertha is not Anorexic »
Monday
Feb112008

Bomb Threat Check List

Pangbourn is the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team. As such, he bomb.jpghas just published the Bomb Threat Check List.

Normally, Pangbourn is only paranoid that someone will try to blow him up personally. However, lately, the paranoia has expanded to the whole building. This is because he was appointed to be the executive sponsor of the ERT. They did this to put his paranoia to good use, but instead it has just compounded the problem. 

Prior to this appointment, Pangbourn was paranoid that someone was trying to kill him; he is now paranoid that someone is trying to kill everyone.

Here's the checklist that we are supposed to keep by our phone in case someone calls with a bomb threat:

Questions to ask:

1. When is the bomb going to explode?

2. Where is it right now?

3. What does it look like?

4. What kind of a bomb is it?

5. What will cause it to explode?

6. Did you place the bomb?

7. Why?

8. What is your address?

9. What is your name?

I'm sure the last two questions are meant to catch the bomb threat perpetrator off guard. You know, after he's been asked a bunch of bomb threat survey questions, he might not notice that he's suddenly giving up incriminating information.

We are also supposed to indicate on our checklist:

  • Sex of the caller
  • Age
  • Race

Mostly likely you can determine the sex of the caller based on the voice, but I'm not sure how you indicate age and race. I suppose you have to ask, but the caller should not be obligated to disclose, since that would be a HMDA  violation. Regardless, that's why we're supposed to get this information; it will be particularly useful to Compliance for their monthly HMDA reporting.

You are also supposed to specify the details of the callers voice, such as:

  • Calm
  • Angry
  • Excited
  • Slurred
  • Seductive
  • Sensual
  • Disguised

I'm not sure how you tell if it's "disguised". And "seductive" and "sensual" are very subjective. I mean, what if "angry" is your thing. Then that makes it seductive, right?

You should also indicate if there were any background noises like:

  • Street noises
  • Animal noises
  • Music
  • Church Choir
  • Elevator music

Or other, like the calming ocean sounds Mulhausen has playing in his office.

Well, I feel 100% prepared for any bomb threat that gets phoned into my office. After this 10 minute survey, the authorities should have everything they need to track down the guilty party. We may all be blown to smithereens, but at least they'll catch the criminal more easily because I've filled out this handy Bomb Threat Check List prior to the explosion.

Reader Comments (4)

That's fucking perfect! LOL!

February 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I think in all of Pangbourns cunning he has forgotten one vital bit of information..

What if the person doesn't speak english?
Oh the fun you could have with that.

February 12, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWhiteDragon

Good catch there White Dragon.

February 12, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Haha, actually Pangbourn did cover it in part, I just didn't include it:

Threat Language:

- Well spoken (educated)
- Foul
- Irrational
- Incoherent (non-english? Although, how would you know it was a bomb threat?)
- Taped (huh?)
- Message read by threat caller

Yes, Pangbourn is all over it...

February 12, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

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