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« How to Keep Conklin's Mouth Shut | Main | 10 Uses for a Blackberry Besides Communication »
Monday
Feb042008

Conklin's Slutty Wife

Conklin's slutty wife came by to see me today. Apparently Conklin told her that I was trying to hook him up with Blendi the Virgin so that she could lose her virginity to him instead of me so that I would not be "the one". 

Conklin's wife would be pretty if she didn't dress like a whore. At least she doesn't dress like a cheap whore. She spends a great deal of Conklin's money on upscale brand-name apparel and accessories so that she can attract men to fuck her while her husband works very hard to make more money for her to spend on more upscale brand-name apparel and accessories so that she can attract more men to fuck her even more.  

And while she lies to him about everything, he cannot lie to her about anything. And in fact, he even tells her things she didn't know to ask about. For example, he apparently told her about my plan for Blendi the Virgin. 

I know how self-centered I am and that most everything I do is intended to benefit me alone, but occasional in the process others will also prosper from my selfish acts. This is usually not my intention, but hey, good shit happens.

With Blendi the Virgin, I was actually trying to do Conklin a favor. Yes, I benefit, but come on now... Conklin gets to nail a virgin. And since the only other person he sleeps with is a woman who fucks the entire neighborhood and several subdivisions beyond, I'd say he's getting an incredible deal.  

So what does he do? He confesses my plan to his slutty wife as if he's done something wrong.

So she shows up at his office for some bullshit reason, then when she's leaving she stops by my office to set things straight.

"You're an asshole and you're not allowed to talk to my husband anymore," she said.

I looked at her confused. Or maybe as if she were retarded.

"How many cocks have you sucked today?" I said. "Let him have one virgin."  

She seemed appalled. I mean, really. As if she were performing for Conklin.

"You're disgusting," she said. "And I swear, if I find out you've even said 'hello' to him in the hallway--and believe me, he'll tell me--you'll fuckin' regret it."

I laughed. But she just smiled. So I wondered why she was smiling. It was the smile of woman who could back up her threat. But how was that possible...?

"Really?" I said, as if I were confident she couldn't do Jack shit. "What are you gonna do?"

"He tells me everything," she said. "Not just about Blendi the Virgin...

Oh shit...

"Athena the Lesbian," she continued. "Lucia, Brandi, Megan, Melissa..."

Isn't there some sort of unspoken rule that what goes on at the office stays at the office? I can tell you one thing, you don't talk about your friend's shit with your fucking slutty-ass wife, that's for damn sure.

"Go ahead. Tell my wife," I said. "You think she's going to believe you? You're the biggest whore in town and she knows it."

Conklin's wife turned and went to the door. 

"Who said I was going to tell your wife?" she said. Then she turned back. "Can you tell me where the Finance department is? I'm looking for a Finance manager named Blair..."

And there it was; her ace in the hole. Conklin told her about everyone, including Blair and our highly dysfunctional and obsessive relationship. Conklin's wife knew exactly where my pain points were. Thanks to Conklin. Well, it's been nice knowing you pal. 

Conklin's slutty wife left satisfied that I would not speak to Conklin again, and that there would no longer be a plan for Conklin to deflower the virgin.

I certainly left her with that impression. But another plan is already developing. All I have to do is convince Conklin to murder his wife. You think I'm kidding? Wait and see... 

Reader Comments (6)

HAHAHAHA, Conklin's slutty wife has you by the balls...that's too funny.Two conniving cheating whores in the ring,this is gonna be good.

February 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLG

I've never doubted you, Jason. I'm sure you'll be able to manage getting Conklin to kill his wife.

February 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDan

Conklin needs to read Rule 5.

February 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Yes, you're right. But if he takes his wife out, that dirty slut, all will be forgiven...

February 4, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Well Mr. X, none of us seem to doubt your skills a conniving people to your benefit, but be careful this time, you have already gotten away with murder once! RIP Johny Boz!

February 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJonathan

Blossom, actually should nothing to do with the season. A lot of time in his life is confused, find a better reason to let himself not to want to some other people think unimportant matters.
We all like a clown, in our lifetime playing five balls, the five balls is work, health, family, friends, and spirit. Five balls with only one is rubber, fall can play up and that is work. The other four balls are use made of glass, the off, broken... gsyacs gsyacs - Supra Shoes Vaider.

December 5, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermssmej mssmej

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