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« Tree Therapy | Main | Post Mortem »
Sunday
Feb082009

The Flea Flicker

My goal to drive Fernandez mentally insane has not gone completely according to plan. In fact, it's gone completely opposite of plan.

Based on the things I've been doing to drive Fernandez mentally insane, Human Resources has determined that I am mentally insane. 

The following tactics have backfired:

  • Repeating myself as if I'd only said it once
  • Acting as if the meeting we just had never took place
  • Inserting subliminal words in sentences like, "I was looking at the budget numbers for this project [flesh-eating zombies] and the figures look fine." and then denying I said anything about flesh-eating zombies.
  • Speaking Pig Latin and acting as if I had spoken in English (thanks Far)
  • Having my assistant Teri call my phone multiple times in his presence but denying it was my phone that was ringing

While the early subtle tactics worked well to frustrate and confuse Fernandez, I got too anxious and moved to the advanced techniques too early. The result was that these tactics became more of an indictment on my mental state than his. 

I wasn't sure why I was being called down to HR today. I never get sent to HR for the obvious and justifiable reasons, like having sex with co-workers on company time and furniture or committing fraud by having a fake boss sign my expense reports.  

No, I get sent to HR for changing my office number to 666 and walking out of the building with a company diet Dr. Pepper

And now, for being mentally unstable.

Once again, I found myself sitting in front of Triplet, the VP of HR.

"How are you feeling?" she asked without emotion.

"I feel fine," I said. "How are you feeling?"

"That's beside the point. I understand you've been speaking Pig Latin without actually realizing it."

Immediately, I realized exactly what was happening here... Fernandez and I just ran the flea flicker. I pitched to him and he pitched it right back to me. And there's no eligible receiver down field. So I was about to get sacked. 

"We're concerned you might be experiencing some sort of work-related stress that's causing mental instability," she announced. "According to Fernandez, you've been acting very erratic lately. Mumbling words that you say you didn't say, repeating yourself, and of course, the Pig Latin..."

"Sounds more like possession than mental instability," I said. 

Triplet thought about it for a moment and almost concurred. 

"Unfortunately, I cannot authorize an exorcism," she said. "But I can authorize daily therapy sessions."

My eyes lit up. Another realization struck: this might be my golden ticket.

Much like when I was considered "suicidal", I will get out of work to go to this therapy. And once again, there will be those women at the company who get turned on by the fact that I might possibly be insane. And even better, Mulhausen and Fernandez will have to coddle me because if my mental instability truly was caused by work related stress, the company will be financially liable.

I leaned forward, dropped my head in my hands as if resigned to treatment and thanked Triplet. 

I remember thinking about how entertaining it would be to drive Fernandez insane; but I never imagined how much better it would be to actually be the one to go insane.  

Reader Comments (15)

Maybe they will send you to a hot therapist. That could make for great "therapy sessions".

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Therapy on company time... Wow. How lucky can you get?! Around here they just take your scissors away.

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsfitznham

I need to hear more about women getting turned on by the idea that you're insane. I'm in the process of "researching" sex stereotypes about crazy women, and this would be a valuable counterpoint.

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSabina

This post conjured images of a Guiness commercial:

"Brilliant!"

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShoe

Well, another thing that might be happening is that you might truly be insane and these sessions are actually a lifesaver as they will help you to realize that you need to be a kinder, gentler person who.... Aw forget it, even I'm not believing that load of crap. I like your plan better...

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdannybelize

Take the therapy sessions. Or at least take the drugs that come with it.

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Matt: That would be great. Unlikely though. We'll see who they come up with...

Msfitznham: Well, they did do that too when I was alleged to be suicidal. Now I'm just cuckoo.

Sabina: I'll post what I find. Just a theory right now. Once word spreads, we'll see if legs spread too. It may be the opposite. They may run and hide.

Shoe: Thanks, man. Now I 'm thirsty for beer. Good thing it's about lunch time...

Dannybelize: I was getting worried there for a moment. Glad you see it my way. I think you're almost cured...

Tech Babe: I didn't even think about the drugs. Another plus. I can't go wrong with this.

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Damn! And to think I wrote off providing therapy as one of my Psychology career choices...

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternadzb21

Whether it was a tap or a full fledged push, I'm proud to have contributed to the mental instability of Jason X. What that proves about my own sanity, is an entirely different story.

I wonder if I can add this achievement to my resume: Drives men absolutely mad...

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Nadzb21: Too bad. Lots of crazy people out there. Including me now.

Far: Remember, you only contributed to making me look insane, not actually go insane. Everyone knows I'm the epitome of sanity.

February 10, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Have you tried this tactic? Bring in a stray kitten into the office and say you need it as a substitute to therapy sessions.

February 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie

This could make your work day alot more tolerable...mmm...Valium...plus, you would have an excuse for falling asleep during the workday and missing meetings..."Sorry, it's a side effect of my medication"

February 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Annie: That wouldn't work because everyone knows I eat stray kittens for dessert.

Matt: Valium during the day might interfere with User interaction. I have to be careful of that. Might be better at night. But I get your point. The possibilities with my new found disability are endless.

February 11, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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