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« Employee Relations | Main | 7 Plagues for Human Resources »

3 Last Plagues for HR

After the first 4 plagues on HR a couple of weeks ago, Triplet, the VP of HR, accused me of being the perpetrator of those plagues. Pangbourn, the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team, told Triplet that I could not possibly be the perpetrator of those plagues given that I'm neither a terrorist nor a satanist. Apparently, he did a full background check on me a few months back because he thought I might be the person trying to blow him up with a bomb. 

Pangbourn is looking for a satanist who also happens to be a terrorist OR a terrorist who also happens to be a satanist. 

Since I am neither, I am in the clear. And free to continue to plague HR.

5. Zombie Plague: I thought it might be cool to turn HR people into zombies. I checked into getting a hold of the "Rage Virus" from 28 Days Later, but apparently it doesn't actually exist. That was disappointing. So the only other thing I could think of was to put No-Doz in their afternoon coffee pot.

It was pretty obvious who the afternoon coffee drinkers were the next day because they looked like they didn't get any sleep and were walking around like zombies. Dark circles under their eyes, that dopey look on their faces, and very slow moving. Unfortunately, they didn't eat other people. To exasperate the situation, I put Ambien in their morning coffee. Zombies were dropping like flies. 

6. Fire Plague: That same day, there was a fire drill scheduled. Many of the HR people didn't make it out of the building because they were asleep at their desks. I told Tefft we should all pretend they actually died, since technically, the pretend fire would have killed them all if it had been a real fire.

Tefft decided it would be appropriate to hold a pretend memorial service for the pretend dead HR people, especially since this year's Thanksgiving theme was based on the Salem Witch Trials, celebrating the puritans' efforts to rid the world of witches by burning and hanging those found guilty of the evil craft. HR was not pleased with this pretend memorial service, but Tefft reminded them that a pretend fire is just as dangerous as a real fire if you don't follow the rules.    

7. Ghost Plague: Now that most of HR is dead, they are have been cursed to walk the building as ghosts. Nobody will listen to what they have to say because nobody can see or hear them. Except me. I see dead HR People all over the place.

R.I.P. Human Resources.

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