5 Words to Use in Place of "Fag"

This morning I sent an email to my boss Mulhausen about a big presentation we're doing in a couple of days. I asked if he wanted to set up an internal meeting to rehearse. His response: "Rehearsal is for fags." He copied my entire staff. 

Apparently someone got offended and forwarded the email to Human Resources, who immediately reprimanded Mulhausen for using the term "fags" to refer to homosexuals. He responded by saying that he wasn't referring to homosexuals, only to people who rehearse. 

Needless to say, the reprimand stands. 

Here are 5 words he could have used in place of the offensive term "Fags":

1. Homosexuals

The word "Homosexual" is not offensive. It's both scientific and politcally correct. And since there are many homosexuals in the performing arts, it's also technically correct in this context. Rehearsal IS for homosexuals. Yes, heterosexuals rehearse too, but "homosexuals" isn't a slur and it's not off the mark.

2. Pussies

This is probably what he really meant anyway. And this term, in this context, is not really a dirty word. They use in on television and radio now because its meaning has come to be much less offensive than it used to be. Females may still be offended because in their minds it's still a reference to a woman's vagina. But since it doesn't refer to the female gender, only a female body part, we should be in the clear. 

3. Ferrets

This word still gives you the punch of the "F" and also the sound of a word that relates to the "fag" slur: Fairies. And ferrets are just nervous little weasles, so it actually makes sense. 

4. Cigarettes

In the UK they refer to a cigarette as a "Fag." Certainly, "Rehearsal is for cigarettes" makes absolutely no sense. But from an international standpoint, you get to say it without saying it and mean it without meaning it. Unless in the UK "cigarette" means what "fag" in the US means, then some of our English employees might still be offended. 

5. Terrorists

Use a word that refers to a group of people nobody likes. And in fact, even terrorists wouldn't be offended because the word "terrorist" is not a slur. Whether they rehearse or not, I don't know. It's hard to rehearse blowing yourself up. But regardless, again in this context, everyone will believe that they do rehearse and if terrorists rehearse, we should not. Just be sure not to use a term like "raghead" for "terrorist" or then you'll be back to square one.

Personally, I thought we took the term "Fag" back. According to South Park we did, and they're really the gatekeepers of prudent social behavior. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me. But I guess HR and Hollywood still disagree.  

Comments

[J.R. LeMar]

According to well-known actor, and homosexual right activist, George Takai, you can also use his last name as a substitute for "gay." So I assume that applies for "fag" as well.

"Rehearsal is for Takai."

Sounds about right.