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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Tuesday
May252010

Cleavage Discrimination

Now that women are competing to donate the most to the Cleavage Jar because I told them what it's for, everyone wants to donate, but not everyone knows what the donation is for, including Fernandez.

Fernandez hates to be left out of anything, especially anything that gives Mulhausen more attention than him. And even worse, he hates when Mulhausen knows something he doesn't. 

"How come I never have to donate to this jar?" Fernandez asked.

"Because you haven't violated the terms," Mulhausen said.

"What are the terms?" 

"I can't tell you." 

"Why not?"

"It would be inappropriate," Mulhausen said. "But I can tell you this: you will never violate the terms and will never have to donate."

This infuriated Fernandez.

"That's discrimination," Fernandez said. 

Fernandez immediately went to HR to claim discrimination because Mulhausen would not let him donate to the Cleavage Jar. 

Triplet, the VP of HR was appalled. She marched right into Mulhausen's office and told him he could not discriminate with any jar, including this new jar. 

The only reason Mulhausen wouldn't tell anyone what the cleavage jar was for was because he didn't want HR to get involved. However, he was not too concerned now since HR was getting involved because they didn't know what the jar was for rather than they did know what the jar was for.

Mulhausen looked her over for a moment. 

"You owe me a dollar," Mulhausen said. 

Triplet was surprised, but also relieved that she was not being discriminated against. She donated her dollar. 

"Why can't Fernandez donate to the jar?" she asked.

"Because he will never violate the terms of the jar," he said. "However, he can donate to the Swear Jar all he wants."

"But he doesn't want to donate to the Swear Jar," she said. "He wants to donate to this jar."

"He doesn't even know what that jar is for," Mulhausen said. "So how does he know he wants to?"

"It doesn't matter, " she said. "If you don't let him do something he doesn't know why he wants to do--that's discrimination."

This could have gone on all day. So that's when I decided to step in.

"What kind of discrimination?" I asked.

Triplet looked at me, stumped. 

"Race, age, mental disability?" I said. "What kind of discrimination? Because I'm pretty sure if you claim discrimination, you need to specify how you're being discriminated against." 

Triplet did not like the fact that I was right. And Fernandez was not able to answer the question. So he spent the better part of the afternoon in his office trying to figure it out. But since he didn't know what the Cleavage Jar was for, he wasn't able to come up with the specific discrimination. 

Women continue to donate to the Cleavage Jar and Fernandez continues to be frustrated because he cannot donate. The rest of the company continues to enjoy lots of cleavage.

Long live Cleavage Jar.  

Tuesday
May182010

The Cleavage Jar

I never thought I'd say this, but there's just too much cleavage in the workplace. Blair is competing with Aimee the Temp to get Jason Y to stare at her tits, although Aimee the temp is not competing at all; she just has huge tits that everyone stares at except for Jason Y. 

While Blair's tits have a friendly demeanor, her face still has the bitch from Finance demeanor, so Jason Y will not stare at her tits.

While both Aimee the Temp's tits and her face have a friendly demeanor, she seems way too friendly, so Jason Y will not stare at her tits either.

Now Maricruz has thrown her push-up bra into the ring. However, she thinks Blair and Aimee the Temp are trying to get me to stare at their tits, not Jason Y. Because Maricuz is not trying to get Jason Y to stare at her tits, Jason Y cannot stop staring them.  

Both Blair and Aimee the Temp are jealous that Maricruz is getting all the attention from Jason Y, even though they are both getting all the attention from the rest of the company. 

Now Kelsey has also decided to show more cleavage, although she has less cleavage than any of them. While she thinks everyone is now staring at her tits, they're really just staring at her ass like they always do. This has caused Kelsey's Angry Fiancé to get angry again. This time he's not angry at Kornfeld for fucking his fiancée, even though it was actually me who fucked her; he's angry at everyone for staring at Kelsey's tits even though they're really all just staring at her ass.

I need to put a stop to this.

So I told my boss Mulhausen that there's too much cleavage in the workplace and that he should start a Cleavage Jar, similar to his Swear Jar

He thought it was a great idea, but that he couldn't call it a cleavage jar, otherwise Human Resources might get involved. He also couldn't tell anyone why they owed a dollar otherwise they might think he was staring at their tits, which he would now be doing to determine whether or not they owed a dollar. 

I brought Blair into his office first. 

"You owe me a dollar," he said.

"Why?" she said. "I didn't swear."

"There's another jar."

"What's it for?" she asked.

"I can't tell you," he said.

She looked at me. I shrugged.

"If you don't tell me, I'm not paying," she said.

"I'm a VP. So you have to do what I say," he said.

She got that Blair look on her face, but pulled out a dollar and stuffed it into the jar.

"What am I doing wrong?" she asked.

"I can't tell you," he said.

"If I don't know what I'm doing wrong, how will I know what to stop doing?"

"That's not my problem."

I made up a reason to bring each of the women into Mulhausen's office and they all ended up paying a dollar even though none of them knew what it was for. 

Since none of them know why they're paying the dollar, none of them will necessarily stop showing cleavage. However, since Mulhausen is now staring at all their tits, that may be enough incentive to actually start covering up. 

Monday
May172010

Weekend in Vegas

Average weekend in Vegas. Drinking, gambling, strip clubs, married women. Let's skip right to the dead girl. 

Oh, and during the day, Kessler got a tattoo in Old Town while Yaya gambled and I played chicken with old ladies in Rascal scooters. I hate Vegas during the day.

And what's this new trend? We ate dinner at a posh steak restaurant in the hotel, and apparently, this is where you wine and dine prostitutes before you pay to have sex with them. Personally, I don't pay for anything before I have sex with any girl. But hookers?

Early morning, the club in the hotel was fun. I ended up in my hotel room with the dead girl. Not dead yet, of course. But she starts in with the coke and ecstasy after shots of Jaeger earlier. I have no interest in that shit; I just want her panties around my neck. 

In the morning, I found her on the floor, not the bed. Still passed out. I couldn't wake her up, so I got Kessler to help me carry her to her room, since she was staying in the same hotel. With both her arms around our necks, sunglasses over her eyes, we dragged her down the hallway to the elevators. 

We shared the elevator with Family of three: mom, dad, and little boy. 

"Is she dead?" the little boy asked.

Kessler took a handful of her hair from behind, lifted her head and shook it. Then he let go of her hair and her head plopped back down again. 

The little boy chuckled. Maybe because he now saw the cock Kessler had drawn on her face.

The parents pulled their son closer to them, moved back into a corner. 

We got off on her floor, started dragging her along, then both stopped and looked at each other.

We suddenly realized that this could very possibly be a "Weekend at Bernie's" moment. 

"Drag faster," I said.

We raced down the hallway as fast as we could, found her room, her key card, and ran inside. We plopped her on her bed and just stared at her for a moment.

"I didn't do it," I said.

We ran out of the room. 

In reflection, maybe I should have checked her pulse. Maybe I should have called an ambulance. Or maybe I just shouldn't fuck around with crack whores from Oklahoma. 

Later that day I got a text from the dead girl. All she said was, "Asshole." I assume that was for the cock drawn on her face. I mean, she didn't know I thought she was dead and just dumped her off. That would really make me an asshole. 

But what she doesn't know, won't kill her. 

Monday
May102010

Blair is Suspicious

Blair is suspicious because she thinks I'm not fucking other women in the company. Whenever she thinks I'm not fucking other women in the company is when she's most suspicious that I am fucking other women in the company.  Because she knows that if I were fucking other women in the company, she'd be the last to find out. 

So she came down to I.T. today for a little snap inspection. She did not know we hired a new temp. She took one look at Aimee the Temp and now believes that I'm fucking at least one other woman in the company.

If a hot temp starts working in I.T., Blair expects me to inform her immediately. If I do not inform her immediately, she believes it's because I'm trying to fuck the new temp. However, if I do inform her immediately that a hot temp has started working in I.T., she immediately knows that I think the new temp is hot, and therefore, I will try to fuck her anyway. 

There is no way to win at this game.

But the worst thing about Aimee the Temp is the fact that her tits are huge. 

Blair knows that she is the most beautiful woman in this company and always will be. And I agree that it would be very difficult to top Blair. But Blair knows that beauty is not always the deciding factor, even though it should be.

Blair knows that bigger tits will cloud men's judgment on the matter. And even though she is the most beautiful woman in the company, there are those who will get more attention than her because they have bigger tits. Like Aimee the Temp.

Blair stormed into my office like a pissed off badger. I asked Jason Y to give us a minute. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Or the natural disposition of a Finance manager. So Jason Y was more than happy to leave the room.

I've been dealing with Blair long enough to know exactly how to handle with this minor crisis.

I immediately disclosed the fact that Jason Y was going out with Aimee the Temp.

This is called, The Deflection.

Jason Y is a nice guy, which is why Blair has no interest in him. But if he starts dating a girl with bigger tits than her, she suddenly has interest.

"Why the fuck would he go out with her?" she snarled.

I couldn't think of one reason. But I could think of two.

"She looks like a little whore," Blair said. 

She acts like a little whore too. Monkey sex like you wouldn't believe.

"Well, I just lost respect for Jason Y," she said.

The truth is, she just gained respect for Jason Y. Nice guys don't fuck around with girls with big tits. Because the girls with big tits are too busy fucking around with guys like me. But if he is fucking around with her, that makes him seem more like a guy like me. And Blair likes guys like me. 

Well, the deflection worked. Except for the fact that Blair will now try to fuck around with Jason Y. 

My genius is my detriment. 

Friday
May072010

Intercourse is Gay

Jason Y is happy about the way his relationship with Aimee the Temp is going. And while they have not had sex yet, they have had some very romantic evenings together.

And while I have not had any romantic evenings together with Aimee the Temp, I have had unbelievable monkey sex with her many times.

Jason Y knows nothing about me and Aimee the Temp. I know every detail about Jason Y and Aimee the Temp. 

Since Aimee the Temp does not want to become the office slut, as long as she's having sex with me she cannot have sex with Jason Y. For me, the sex is great. I have no desire to stop. But even more so, I do not want to stop having sex with Aimee the Temp because I do not want Jason Y to start. 

I'm very interested to know how long he will go out with her without getting any sex. 

Today he asked me for advice. He said he's never had this much trouble getting to second base. I asked him to define the bases for me so that we'd be on the same page. 

  • 1st Base: Kiss
  • 2nd Base: Tits
  • 3rd Base: Pussy
  • Home: Intercourse

I told him that was old school and if he wanted to get anywhere with her he had to have the current definition of the bases:

  • 1st Base: Oral sex
  • 2nd Base: Toys (vibrator, cock ring, anal plug or beads, strap-on, etc.)
  • 3rd Base: BDSM (anything that causes pain)
  • Home: Anal sex

He just stared at me for a moment and then said:

"What about intercourse?"

"What are you, gay?" I said. "So what base are you on?"

"Well..." He said. "I guess I'm still in the dugout." 

"What?" I said with a horrified look on my face. "Are you gay?"

"Of course not!"

"Then you need to get out of that dugout soon. What's holding you back?"

"Well, she keeps saying No," he said.

I explained to him that No used to mean No, then No became the new Yes, and now No just means Drop your pants. That way you're not forcing yourself on her even though she said No, but you're still giving her the option to proceed or retreat.

"It also helps if you're already wearing a cock ring," I said. "Then she knows your intentions are purely sexual." 

I'm not sure if he believed a word I told him, but he at least seemed more confused and less confident than he already was before he asked for my advice. 

Apparently, Jason Y and Aimee the Temp are going out again tonight. So I asked Aimee the Temp if we could have monkey sex before she goes on her date. She agreed to it. That way, No will absolutely mean No, and Jason Y will still be standing in the dugout, but now with his pants around his ankles.