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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Thursday
Apr222010

Earth Day: Time to Recycle

In honor of Earth Day, I've decided the best way to support the cause is to recycle. In my case, I'm recycling women. 

There are only so many women at my company that I can go through. There are limited resources in the pool of Users. So rather than being wasteful and in the spirit of corporate efficiency, I'm recycling through some of the women I used to consume. 

Brandi and Melanie have gotten over their fear that I would commit suicide in their presence; Athena the Lesbian has abandoned her attempt to become an actual lesbian; Maricruz no longer believes she's insane; Lucia has been waiting for sodomy since my Res-erection; Kelsey's Angry Fiancé no longer wants to kill Kornfeld for fucking his future wife, which means he no longer wants to kill me because I'm the one who actually fucked her. 

Blair, like Iron Man's Arc Reactor Heart Core, never runs out of steam. So there's really no recycle program for her since she's too intense to discard in the first place. 

So as you can see, I have plenty of opportunity to recycle in support of Earth Day. These women should not go to waste; they should be used again.  

Here are the benefits of recycling women:

  • Costs less - I don't need to even buy them a drink to get laid. 
  • Saves time - No need to hunt and seduce. Time-to-sack is very short
  • Saves energy - same as above.
  • Reduces greenhouse gas emissions by .0002% by using one car to go from the office to a bar if we do actually drink; new Users usually meet me for drinks.
  • Saves approximately 5 trees because the same tree can be used for tree sex (tree location varies based on where Users live, etc.)
  • Batteries are saved because some of these women are married and turn to their vibrator when I'm not around.

So as you can see, there are a lot of benefits from recycling women. I hope I've converted at least a few of you to this cause. Support Earth Day and fuck a woman from your past. There are lots of women, but we only have one Earth.

I think I'll start with Lucia and sodomy. After all, it's Tequila Thursday.   

Tuesday
Apr062010

How to Violate the Office Temp

A woman with big tits is always amazed that I don't look at her tits when I talk to her.

I don't look at her tits when I talk to her because she expects me to look at her tits when I talk to her. She expects this because everyone always looks at her tits when they talk to her because her tits are so fucking big.

A woman with big tits loves when you look at her tits when you talk to her because it makes her feel both attractive and violated. Feeling attractive feeds self-esteem; feeling violated feeds outrage. She wants both so that she can love herself but hate you. 

The more I don't look at her big tits, the less violated she feels. And the less violated she feels, the less she hates me and the more she hates herself. The more she hates herself, the more she wants me to violate her.

I met Aimee the Temp on Thursday nights for drinks. And I did not look at her tits.

When I meet a woman for drinks, we don't start out with beer or a cocktail. We start with tequila shots. Not one each, but two or three. That way, within 20 minutes we're already fondling each other.

And instead of talking about where we're from and what music we like, we're talking about sex.

"Where's the craziest place you've had sex?" she asked me.

When women ask me that question, they have no idea what they're getting into. Because I can name 101 places I've had sex that they've never even considered. It's a miracle I haven't been either fired from my job or arrested.

But I only name one because it seems to get the most attention.

"Tree sex," I said.

You could tell by her eyes that she didn't understand how that would work, but was now dying to try it. 

More shots. 

Out in the parking lot we started making out and groping each other. And although I hadn't looked at her tits in the bar, I was openly violating them now. 

The parking lot was dimly lit, so she started to go down on me. I had another idea. 

Since Jason Y and I had to share my office, they dragged another desk in and shoved it against the opposite wall. 

Both Aimee the Temp and Jason Y's desk got violated together that night.

Aimee the Temp is a screamer. Not just a woman who makes noise when she climaxes; this was a blood-curdling scream as if she were being murdered. 

I would have covered her mouth but I was in awe. In awe of both her huge natural tits and her ear-piercing, screaming orgasm. 

After that we had to wrap things up quickly because no doubt Security was on its way, possibly the police. Drunk as she was, I made sure she skipped her panties. I snagged them and dropped them into Jason Y's top drawer. 

We got coffee, sobered up and parted ways. An early night. But mission accomplished.

Friday morning, Jason Y came in and looked at his desk which was in total disarray. I ignored his repeated gasping. He asked me what happened and I shrugged. 

Sitting at his desk, he opened the top draw to get something and found Aimee the Temp's panties. 

I looked over and said, "You dog..."

He shook his head but didn't know what to say.

"Hey, aren't you going out with Aimee the Temp tonight?" 

He nodded.

"Good luck with that."

Thursday
Apr012010

Jason X Has Been Murdered

Well, I died again.

This time, brutally murdered in my office. There is really only one suspect: Jason Y

In reality, Jason Y is the only victim... Of my April Fools joke

The best thing about my adult film actor friends is that they are all dying to play legitimate acting roles. And for them, coming to my office to pretend they are someone they are not just so that I can either fuck with peers or get out of trouble with execs, is considered by them to be a legitimate acting role. 

Today, Rob Jackhoff reprised his role as Detective Curran, Candi Kans played a uniform cop (wearing the same police uniform she wore in "Mouthland"), and Nick Zima played the timid, yet possibly psycho serial killer Dexter-esque forensic blood splatter specialist. 

Since Nick Zima also played Smithee, my imaginary boss, I told him he would have to wear a disguise, which he was all over. He wore a fake mustache. So instead of looking like a pornstar, he looked like a 70's pornstar. And Smithee with a mustache. 

I was able to observe from Gladstone's office via the "Jason Cam".

Jason Y came into the office today to find an outline of my body on the floor by our desk, blood splattered on the floor, and a bloody knife. 

Candi Kans stepped in front of him and blocked him from the scene with her enormous cans. No cop has tits that big unless she's about to strip for you. Apparently Jason Y was too concerned with the splattered blood to notice.

Once he let her know that it was his office, she let him by. 

Nick Zima pretended to be doing some sort of forensic work, but it really looked more like a dog sniffing his own shit. Not a lot of preparation went into this. 

Jason Y couldn't speak. His mouth was down around his ankles. 

Detective Curran asked Jason Y to follow him to a conference room for questioning (where again, I had a cam set up to observe).

"Where were you last night at 9:00 pm?" Curran asked.

"Having dinner with my mother," Jason Y said.

Curran hesitated. And then: "Where were you last night at 10:30 pm?"

"At what time exactly did the murder take place?" 

"I"ll ask the questions!" Curran barked. "Once I know when you were alone, I'll tell you when the murder took place."

Pause.

Curran continued: "11:30 pm?"

Finally, Curran isolated the time frame between 2:00 am and 7:00 am when Jason Y was completely alone. And sleeping. Not surprisingly, within that exact time frame, Jason X was murdered.

At that moment, Dexter Zima came in the room. He showed Curran a finger print on a piece of plastic.

"I lifted a finger print from the murder weapon," he said. 

Curran took the piece of plastic, held it up and asked Jason Y to hold up his thumb next to it. He compared the two, as if this was conclusive.

"It's conclusive," Curran confirmed. "Your print is on the murder weapon."

Jason Y's eyes became very wide. He stammered to say, How could that be conclusive? but Curran cut him off and said he had to make a phone call. He left Jason Y alone with Dexter Zima. 

That's when forensic Dexter Zima turned into psycho Dexter Zima.

"Now that it's conclusive," Dexter Zima said, "I can kill you myself--according to the code."

Dexter Zima pulled another knife and chased Jason Y around the conference room table. Finally, Jason Y managed to get out the door, screaming as he ran down the hallway. 

I believe Jason Y ran all the way out of the building, still screaming as if he were going to be the first victim on Dexter's season opener. 

Not only was I able to view the whole thing from the web cams, but I was able to record the whole thing and play it back for most everyone in the office. Including Jason Y when he finally returned. 

April Fools

Jason Y hates Jason X. Wait until he finds out I had drinks with Aimee the Temp tonight. Hopefully that will go according to plan too...

Tuesday
Mar302010

Good Jason, Evil Jason

Apparently Jason Y has already asked Aimee the Temp out for dinner.

He is evil Jason.

That's okay, because he's the kind of guy that wines and dines a girl for several dates before he gets her in the sack. I'm the kind of guy who takes a girl out for drinks, gets her drunk and horny and then she says Oops, I fucked up in the morning. Then she fucks me again. Once the seal has been broken, what the hell, right? Then it's only about sex and more sex.  

I am good Jason.

Once Jason Y gets a girl in the sack he wonders why he's suddenly in a relationship when all he really wanted was a little sex. Then he's got to keep up the wining and dining to get more sex. His actions have stated that he respects her as a woman and views her as someone he could have a long term relationship with.

He is evil Jason.

I make sure a woman knows that she can fuck me in a tree during lunch and there's no judgement; she is not a slut. My actions state that I respect her as a sexual woman and I view her as someone I could have a long term sexual relationship with. Anyone who will fuck me in a tree during lunch, I must see again. And again and again. Trust me, I value that woman and she knows it. See me a couple of times and your sexual inhibitions go out the window. 

I am good Jason.

Jason Y is having dinner with Aimee the Temp on Friday night. Which means I have to have drinks with Aimee the Temp on Thursday night. I want her defiled before he pays his first dime for what he hopes to be sex. But the more I defile her, the less she'll allow herself to be defiled by him. The more I touch, grope and gag, the less he'll get and the more he'll pay. More food, less sex. More cost, less value. More respect, more clean, less bases and then home plate just gets further and further from sight. 

He is evil Jason. 

As Aimee the Temp bounced her way down the hallway today, I intercepted. 

"Patron or Don Julio?" I asked out of the blue.

"Uhhhh," she sort of said. "I drink Jose Cuervo. Is Don Julio tequila?"

"You've never had Don Julio?"

She shook her head.

"You need to brand up," I said. "A couple of people are getting together for drinks tomorrow night. You in?"

She nodded enthusiastically with both head and tits. 

Oddly, she will be the only person besides me who shows up tomorrow. The rest are a bunch of flakes. 

I am good Jason. 

Tuesday
Mar302010

Aimee the Temp

A new temp with big tits has been working in our department for over a week now and I was not informed.

When shit like this happens, you know there's a real breakdown in office process and communication. Gladstone and McKinney have been buried in Easter preparations as directed by Tefft. She wants to make this year's celebration the biggest and best to date, tying Jesus and his resurrection to the Zombie Apocalypse. This should be interesting.

So I can't really blame either one of them.

Kessler blacked out last week and hasn't been the same since. I'll detail the saga in an upcoming post. He is also excused. 

Yaya has been playing video games in the Test Lab for over a week. And while he should actually be fucking with Gladstone since that's why he was hired, I can't blame him for not talent scouting. Not his job. 

But Conkin and Petrizzo have both been doing something reprehensible and unacceptable: their jobs. If you have to spend more than 20% of your time at the office actually doing work for the company, you've got a serious time management and priority planning issue. 

After I determined how such a travesty could've happened and put both Conklin and Petrizzo on probation, I wandered over to Network Services where this new temp has been hired.

Her name is Aimee. Very young, brown hair, big tits and an annoying personality. Did I mention, big tits? 

It's very easy for me to strike up a conversation with a new temp. Where's Gladstone? Where's McKinney? You're new here, aren't you? Blah blah blah. You look important so she'll talk to you, and smile, and laugh as long as you're willing to stand there. 

She's sarcastic in a really young way. Which means the sarcasm isn't funny; it just lies there while you look at it, neither offended nor humored by it. 

Did I mention she has really big tits? From the look of them, natural too. 

So against my better judgment, I had every intention of getting smacked around by those two big bad-ass cans of hers--whether she knew it yet or not. But then she said:

Do you work for Jason Y?

Work for? Talk about a mood killer. The evil Jason had already gotten to her. Evil, in the sense that he's good, which makes him evil to someone as evil as me. Because I view myself as good regardless of the mainstream definition of good. But I digress...

No, I don't work for Jason Y. We're peers. I'm the good Jason. He's the evil Jason. Remember that.

It's bad enough that he's hitting on my existing Users, but to beat me to the punch with new talent... That's just unacceptable. 

I keep saying this, but Jason Y has got to go. I need to stop being lazy about this. 

Did I mention she has really big tits?

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