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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Wednesday
Aug292007

Fraternization

I was sending a fax today and Kristy warned me that it wouldn't work because the fax machine was out of toner. Bless her heart. I can get her to do anything I want. She's tall and leggy with tennis ball tits. I call her "Wheels". She's sexy, fun, and really stupid, but she doesn't get pissed off because I occasionally sleep with my wife. Blair doesn't know about Wheels, but Wheels knows about Blair. She figured it out after I inadvertently got into an elevator with both of them after work one day. We were going down to the parking garage; Blair thought I was leaving with her and Wheels thought I was leaving with her. Now that was an exhilarating moment. I left with Blair. Damage control is so much easier with Wheels.

I thought I'd talk to Blair today, but I'm still ignoring her. I did, however, talk to her boss Kornfeld. He's the Director of Finance and an angry, defensive, bitter man who somehow has a Napoleon complex even though he's 6’2”. He's also a very sickly man who will never admit he has anything, although he always has something. If it's something that will keep him from coming to work, he remains in complete denial. He once had pneumonia but insisted it was only walking pneumonia, which really just means that you feel better than you actually are. He refused to lie down even for a moment, because if he did lie down, his illness would no longer be walking pneumonia but full-blown pneumonia—which everyone knows requires weeks of bed rest. So he continued to stagger around the office until he finally collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. He's come to work with the flu, gastroenteritis, Valley Fever (which he picked up in Arizona), and even a black widow bite on his left thigh. There was a leprosy scare there for a while, but it turned out to be eczema.

Kornfeld was being completely unreasonable today. He prided himself on his ability to be unreasonable because the more unreasonable he was, the less he had to do. Being unreasonable was his way of making sure he always had nothing to do. Nobody likes dealing with an unreasonable person, and if he could prove to be the most unreasonable executive, people would avoid asking him to do anything the most. I always asked him to do things, which really pissed him off, since everyone else avoided him because he was so unreasonable. I just pretended not to notice he was being the most unreasonable executive and instead thanked him as if he was being the most reasonable executive. This frustrated him to no end.

Blair called me at the end of the day. I didn't answer. I love when she breaks first.

Tuesday
Aug282007

Dereliction

I ignored Blair all day yesterday and today. Although she's pissed off at me for sleeping with my wife, I'm pretending to be pissed off at her so that she'll forget about being pissed off at me because she doesn't understand why I would be pissed off at her. She does this to me all the time. I don't pretend to understand it, I just know that it works. 

Whenever I ignore Blair, it always frees up my time considerably. Granted, there are four others in the User Pool, but time allocation is pretty unbalanced. Blair gets about 65% of my time. This is why there's no time to get my job done during the day. Not that I do anything anyway (let me reiterate). But neither do any of the other executives at my Corporation.  Now, don't get me wrong. I myself am not an executive. But I act like one so most everyone believes that I am one. In reality, I'm just a Manager everyone thinks is a Director who's about to be promoted to Vice President. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It all started when my boss was kicked out of the company for not being difficult enough. If an executive is not difficult, something is terribly wrong. In this case, the man was as pliable as Play Dough. Even I got everything I asked for. When subordinates get what they ask for, you know you've got a serious breech in executive conduct. So they got rid of him. It was very sudden. One day he was there, the next he was “pursuing other opportunities." Upper management planned on a long and thorough executive search, since this was a pivotal role and they had no intention of making the same mistake twice. And although it was a pivotal role, they felt the company would run just fine for many months with nobody in the position. 

So, in the meantime, I took over the role of director without the actual title, since someone had to do the job in the interim. It's very easy to do my former boss' job, since he, like all the other executives, did nothing. I didn't realize how little he did until I had to do his job. And although I have more responsibility, I actually do less. And although I do less, I get credit for more. And that, my friends, is how delegation works.

So without Blair in the picture for the last 2 days, I've had even less to do than usual. I'd better give her a call...

Monday
Aug272007

Delegation

I hate Mondays. Most people who work at big corporations do. But this Monday was worse than most Mondays. It's the Monday Blair found out I cheated on her with my wife.  

Traffic this morning was crappy. But since I get most of my work done in the car going to and from the office every day, it was a very productive morning commute. A Blackberry is a beautiful thing. Because there's really no time during the day to get my job done. Not that I do anything anyway, because I don't. But although I don't do anything, I always get a lot done. I make sure everything that has to be done, gets done, but always by someone else. And if no one else has time to do it, I have my assistant Teri get it done. This intelligent, driven, enterprising young woman can do anything she stacks against her determination. She's completely overqualified for the position, but I always lead her to believe that she is inept and wholly incapable of meeting my expectations. On the surface, this might seem slightly cruel and demeaning, but the underlying intent, although no more compassionate, is extremely strategic on my part. The objective is to keep her challenged and unaware of her full potential so that she won't quit her mundane job to go do something more meaningful and rewarding. Good assistants are hard to find.

Back to Blair, that bitch. She called Telecom and said she was Teri and that I needed my voicemail password reset. Then she got into my voicemail and heard my wife's message. My wife didn't say anything incriminating, but her tone was playful. A woman knows that a wife's playful tone can only mean one thing. Explaining why I slept with my wife won't be an easy thing. Thank God Kristy didn't leave a message this morning... 

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