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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Entries in Fire drill (2)


3 Last Plagues for HR

After the first 4 plagues on HR a couple of weeks ago, Triplet, the VP of HR, accused me of being the perpetrator of those plagues. Pangbourn, the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team, told Triplet that I could not possibly be the perpetrator of those plagues given that I'm neither a terrorist nor a satanist. Apparently, he did a full background check on me a few months back because he thought I might be the person trying to blow him up with a bomb. 

Pangbourn is looking for a satanist who also happens to be a terrorist OR a terrorist who also happens to be a satanist. 

Since I am neither, I am in the clear. And free to continue to plague HR.

5. Zombie Plague: I thought it might be cool to turn HR people into zombies. I checked into getting a hold of the "Rage Virus" from 28 Days Later, but apparently it doesn't actually exist. That was disappointing. So the only other thing I could think of was to put No-Doz in their afternoon coffee pot.

It was pretty obvious who the afternoon coffee drinkers were the next day because they looked like they didn't get any sleep and were walking around like zombies. Dark circles under their eyes, that dopey look on their faces, and very slow moving. Unfortunately, they didn't eat other people. To exasperate the situation, I put Ambien in their morning coffee. Zombies were dropping like flies. 

6. Fire Plague: That same day, there was a fire drill scheduled. Many of the HR people didn't make it out of the building because they were asleep at their desks. I told Tefft we should all pretend they actually died, since technically, the pretend fire would have killed them all if it had been a real fire.

Tefft decided it would be appropriate to hold a pretend memorial service for the pretend dead HR people, especially since this year's Thanksgiving theme was based on the Salem Witch Trials, celebrating the puritans' efforts to rid the world of witches by burning and hanging those found guilty of the evil craft. HR was not pleased with this pretend memorial service, but Tefft reminded them that a pretend fire is just as dangerous as a real fire if you don't follow the rules.    

7. Ghost Plague: Now that most of HR is dead, they are have been cursed to walk the building as ghosts. Nobody will listen to what they have to say because nobody can see or hear them. Except me. I see dead HR People all over the place.

R.I.P. Human Resources.


Fire Drill Friday the 13th

It was Fire Drill Friday today, and in honor of Friday the 13th, I thought I'd instigate some trouble. 

The last Fire Drill Friday, I stayed in my office and was burned to death by the pretend fire. This did not sit well with HR, so they scolded me for not taking the pretend fire seriously. 

My sources told me today that there would be a fire drill at 11:30am, so I made sure I was on the 2nd floor when it occurred. I walked down one set of stairs and ventured over to the appointed spot at the side of the building to wait for everyone else.

Once everyone was down, they checked off all the names. All but one.

"Smithee?" I said. "My boss? Where is he?" 

I thought it fitting that my pretend boss should burn to death in the pretend fire this time instead of me. 

However, I let the floor leader know that I could not in good conscience leave my boss to burn in the pretend fire, so I ran back in the building to save him.

See? I take pretend fires seriously.

After I ran into the building, I then went out the back and over to Starbucks for a triple venti non-fat vanilla latte, no whip, no foam.

Later in the afternoon, I was called down to HR.

Triplet, the VP of HR, has lost all expression in her face now when she speaks to me. She no longer reacts with shock or frustration, she just simply folds her arms and questions me as a matter of process. I believe she has conceded that she can't win and is just going through the motions now.

It's very disappointing.

"Why did you run back into the building?" she asked. "The fire drill was not finished."

"To save Smithee from the fire," I said.

"There was no fire. It was a drill."

"But if the fire were real, he'd be burned alive," I said. "I couldn't have that on my conscience."

"But he wouldn't have been burned alive because there was no fire, so you would be guiltless."

"If I have to pretend the fire is real, I have to pretend the consequences are real. And if I let someone pretend to die on my watch, then I have to pretend to feel guilty."

Triplet just stared at me with that blank expression. I thought for a moment she was going to snarl, but she stayed firm. Then she made some notes. 

"How's therapy?" she asked.

Interesting. When I speak like her about the seriousness of pretend fires, she thinks I'm insane. 

"Excellent." I said. "I met a friend in the tree. She's a lot of fun."

Triplet made some more notes. Probably something like, Schedule more therapy sessions per week for Jason.

I got off pretty easy this time I guess, probably because I'm insane. It's nice to have that golden ticket. Even so, I still can't believe people think I'm the one who's insane.

Well, I have to get ready for my exorcism. Have a great weekend.