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us·er pool [yü-zer pül] 

In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.

In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.

At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...

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Entries in sex with a co-worker (8)

Monday
Jan102011

Tabbatha

I had drinks with Tabbatha last Wednesday night because my dick told me that I should. My brain told me that I shouldn't, so I compromised by having drinks with her, but inviting my own cock block: Maharajapuram, my Inidan programming lead. 

I invited Maharajapuram for drinks specifically because he does not drink. If you're going to invite your own cock block out for drinks, you need to make sure he doesn't become a whiskey dick or he's not gonna block anything. 

On the other hand, I decided to drink like crazy so that I wouldn't be able to do shit. The more I wanted to have sex with Tabbatha, the more I drank. But the more I drank, the more I wanted to have sex with Tabbatha. And the more I drank, the more she drank. And the more we both drank, the more obnoxious we became and the more Maharajapuram wanted to leave. 

In fact, at one point, I looked away from Tabbatha and saw that Maharajapuram was gone. Long gone. And I also noticed that my finger was inside Tabbatha under the table. My entire plan was a huge failure.

We stumbled back to the office, showed the sercurity guard our IDs, said we had some work to do. He sighed and continued reading his mag. 

We then had sex on the couch in my office. Well, sort of sex. I could barely perform. Barely function. But I pulled it off when I finally managed to get my uncooperative dick inside her. Sex with Tabbatha lasted about 10 seconds. 

Thursday night I had sex with Knipples again, but this time when she fell asleep because of her Sexolepsy, I just closed my eyes and pretended I was fucking Tabbatha correctly this time. When Knipples orgasmed, she woke up and screamed "Holy fucking shit!" and then thanked me for fucking her so well while she was asleep. 

Both women want sex again. Knipples, because it's the best sex she's ever had asleep and Tabbatha because it was the worst sex she's ever had awake. I can't win. 

Wednesday
Jan052011

More Employee Relations

I was all prepared today to come up with an excuse not to have drinks with Tabbatha tonight. In fact, I came up with a whole list to choose from: 

  • Sick grandmother (oldie but a goody)
  • Smithee, my imaginary boss, is making me work late
  • I was bitten by a bat and need to go get a rabies shot
  • I have to go home because I forgot to set my DVR to record People's Choice Awards
  • I have AIDS
  • Zombie Apocalypse

But when she walked into my office this morning, she didn't look like sweet Tabbatha. She looked like sexy slutty office worker who wants to be treated like a farm animal. 

Usually, she wears conservative business attire. You know, the button down white shirt with only the top button undone; slacks or maybe a long skirt; medium heels. 

But today, she had on a top that revealed cleavage--cleavage I didn't even know she had. She's got some sort of Victoria's Secret push-up/padded, here's-my-tennis-ball-tits-in-your-face kind of bra on under that tight black and white top. She was also wearing a black skirt above the knees with a pair of spiked heels that I could only imagine digging into my back while I nail the fuck out of her. 

"Still on for tonight?" she asked. 

"Definitely," I said without one millisecond of hesitation. 

That whole list of excuses was suddenly torched and discarded, and the don't-fuck-your-employee policy was immediately amended to be the fuck-the-living-shit-out-of-your-employee policy. 

She left my office and I just sat there trying to figure out what just happened. Regardless, looks like I'm having drinks with sweet, possibly slutty, Tabbatha tonight. But I'm sure nothing will happen... 

Monday
Jan032011

Employee Relations

What's worse than having sex with someone who works for you? Having sex with two people who work for you. It's not an ethical issue (for me); it's a question of complication. It's complicated enough having sex with the Users. 

Knipples still wants me to have sex with her, even though she falls asleep every time we start having sex. And even though she never knows we're having sex because of her Sexolepsy, she thinks it's the greatest sex she's ever had.

But when I have sex with Knipples, it feels like date rape or necrophilia. Which would be fine if I were into either one of those things. But I'm not, so it's very difficult for me to have sex with her even though I'm the best sex she's ever had asleep.

The other issue is that she works for me. I swore I would never have sex with anyone who worked directly for me. But since she's asleep during sex, it's as if I never did it. Which makes it almost worth doing again, except for the fact that the reason I can fuck my own employee is the same reason I cannot fuck my own employee.  

Tabbatha is also a direct report. She's very cute, but I'm not attracted to her because she's too sweet for me. Which is why I felt safe asking her if she wanted to have a drink with me after work sometime. She accepted the invitation for drinks which is why I can no longer have a drink with her after work sometime. Nobody that sweet has drinks with me after work. And if she's not really that sweet, I'll become attracted to her and try to have sex with her. 

In summary: I can have sex with Knipples because she sleeps through it, which is also the reason I can't have sex with Knipples. I can have a drink with Tabbatha because she's so sweet, but only if she refuses to have a drink with me. Since she didn't refuse to have a drink with me, so I can no longer have a drink with Tabbatha. 

I'm supposed to have a drink with Tabbatha tomorrow night and have sex with Knipples on Thursday night. I need to get out of both situations. What happened to the good old days when I used to just fuck the clients?

Thursday
Aug052010

Sexolepsy

It's never a good idea to have sex with someone who works for you. Which is why I never hire hot women. Not that there's an over abundance of hot women in the field of technology, but you do occasionally come across a candidate that doesn't fit the geek profile. At all.

If I hire a hot woman, no matter how professional I keep it, sooner or later I will rationalize that professionalism right into the bedroom. 

Thus, my personal recruitment rule: Do not hire hot women. 

A few weeks ago, I hired two additional staff members. Both women. Both hot.  

I was never good at following rules, even my own. 

But I had reasons for breaking this rule. First, I didn't hire the web designer because she's hot. That would be absurd and shallow. I hired her because her last name is "Knipples." Yes, she's talented, and that was certainly a factor, but hot or not, there was no way I could pass up hiring a woman whose last name is Knipples.  And I guarantee this: I will never call her by her first name.

The second woman I hired is a business analyst. Her name is Tabbatha. She's hot, but not exactly my type. On the other hand, she's exactly the kind of woman who will make both Mulhausen and Fernandez blush and get all giddy around her. She's a slim blond with apple-sized tits, but doesn't really ooze sexuality. Instead, she oozes sweetness. She's not annoyingly sweet, but genuine.  Both my bosses will eat it up. And that will put me in a position to get things done that I might have otherwise struggled to achieve because they both hate me with a passion.

So really, there was nothing to worry about. I hired them for the right reasons.

Although I did have sex with Knipples last night.

Sort of.

She's cute, but skinny, flat-chested with a Peter Pan haircut. So I thought I'd be safe having drinks with her after work. It was her idea. But unlike Tabbatha, Knipples oozes sexuality. Especially when she gets alcohol in her. How was I supposed to know?

It wasn't long before we were back at her place having more to drink. That's the way it goes. Let's save some money and drink at my place. Right. 

Once there, it was only moments before I had her clothes off and we were bouncing on the couch. Well, futon couch.

But there I was thinking everything was going really well and all of a sudden Knipples fell asleep. 

That's right. Right in the middle of what I thought was a stellar performance on my part, she seemed to dose right the fuck off. 

I stopped. Gave her a little nudge. She woke up and looked up at me.

"Am I boring you?" I asked.

"No, not at all," she said. "I forgot to mention. I have Sexolepsy." 

I gave her a Scooby look and a "Ruh?"

"It's not a big deal," she continued. "It's like Narcolepsy, but it only happens during sex. Just keep fucking me. I'll wake up when I orgasm."

Um. Okay.

So I kept going, and once again, she fell asleep. Then I started thinking, this must be what it's like to be a necrophiliac. She's asleep, but she also looks kind of dead. And I can tell you right now, having done it last night, I don't like fucking dead people. 

So I tried to focus on her body, not the fact that her brain was shut off. Then I realized how truly young she looked. Skinny body, no tits, short little haircut. Then I felt like a pedophile. 

That was it. 

I got up, let her sleep, and left. So I don't really think that counts as having "sex" with your employee. In fact, I'm still not sure what it was. So in my mind, I haven't crossed any lines. And today, things shouldn't be awkward at all. 

I've been hiding in my office all day with the door shut. Just in case. 

Tuesday
Apr142009

Delusional

Now that Blair is back with me and doesn't hate me anymore, she can no longer pretend to like me.

While she hated me, she had to pretend to like me, otherwise people would think she and I were having an affair. 

She believes that people at work who seem to hate each other, used to be fucking but are now in the middle of a lovers quarrel. So whenever we break up and Blair hates me, she pretends to like me so that nobody will know we were fucking.

On the other hand, when we're together and she does like me, she has to pretend as though she doesn't like me otherwise people will also think we're fucking. So she ignores me completely. 

Blair's boss Kornfeld, the Director of Finance, is always uncomfortable during meetings with Blair and me when she likes me because Blair pretends I'm not in the room. 

As I've mentioned before, even when I ask Blair a finance question, she looks at Kornfeld when she answers. Kornfeld just stares at her not knowing what to say since he didn't ask the question, and in fact, already knows the answer to the question. 

When Blair has a question about one of my technology projects, she looks at Kornfeld again as if he'll provide the answer. This confuses Kornfeld greatly, but before he can say anything, I answer the question. Blair then thanks Kornfeld.

Kornfeld knows, of course, that we're fucking.  

Kornfeld feels much more comfortable in meetings with Blair and me when Blair hates me because that's when Blair pretends to like me. She actually looks at me, smiles at me, and interacts with me. 

In today's meeting, Kornfeld was extremely uncomfortable because things had been going so well for so long with Blair and me, only because things had been going so badly for so long with Blair and me.

Kornfeld finally said: 

"Until you two don't get along again, you can have these meetings without me." 

And then he left the room. 

Blair looked at me and asked: 

"You don't think he knows about us, do you?"

"No," I said. "If he thinks there's anything going on between us, it's only because he's delusional."

"Good," she said, relieved.

Blair left the meeting self-assured our secret was safe.

Yes, Kornfeld is the delusional one. 

..