3 Last Plagues for HR

After the first 4 plagues on HR a couple of weeks ago, Triplet, the VP of HR, accused me of being the perpetrator of those plagues. Pangbourn, the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team, told Triplet that I could not possibly be the perpetrator of those plagues given that I'm neither a terrorist nor a satanist. Apparently, he did a full background check on me a few months back because he thought I might be the person trying to blow him up with a bomb. 

Pangbourn is looking for a satanist who also happens to be a terrorist OR a terrorist who also happens to be a satanist. 

Since I am neither, I am in the clear. And free to continue to plague HR.

5. Zombie Plague: I thought it might be cool to turn HR people into zombies. I checked into getting a hold of the "Rage Virus" from 28 Days Later, but apparently it doesn't actually exist. That was disappointing. So the only other thing I could think of was to put No-Doz in their afternoon coffee pot.

It was pretty obvious who the afternoon coffee drinkers were the next day because they looked like they didn't get any sleep and were walking around like zombies. Dark circles under their eyes, that dopey look on their faces, and very slow moving. Unfortunately, they didn't eat other people. To exasperate the situation, I put Ambien in their morning coffee. Zombies were dropping like flies. 

6. Fire Plague: That same day, there was a fire drill scheduled. Many of the HR people didn't make it out of the building because they were asleep at their desks. I told Tefft we should all pretend they actually died, since technically, the pretend fire would have killed them all if it had been a real fire.

Tefft decided it would be appropriate to hold a pretend memorial service for the pretend dead HR people, especially since this year's Thanksgiving theme was based on the Salem Witch Trials, celebrating the puritans' efforts to rid the world of witches by burning and hanging those found guilty of the evil craft. HR was not pleased with this pretend memorial service, but Tefft reminded them that a pretend fire is just as dangerous as a real fire if you don't follow the rules.    

7. Ghost Plague: Now that most of HR is dead, they are have been cursed to walk the building as ghosts. Nobody will listen to what they have to say because nobody can see or hear them. Except me. I see dead HR People all over the place.

R.I.P. Human Resources.

Bite Me

Today started out like any other work day: I fucked a User in the garage before coming up to the office. 

From there, the morning was very productive. I had Lucia, Lucretia, and Ha-Neul the Cannibal talking dirty to me on IM. Late morning, Chelsea the Intern decided she wanted to show me her new undies, so she closed my office door and stripped down. 

Black and white polka dot panties and bra combo. It felt so retro and dirty, I had to fuck her on my desk right then and there.

Lunch time is when things started going a little south. 

The R & D department is located on the 20th floor. I'm on the 25th floor. According to Teri, my assistant, there was some kind of accident down there today that nobody would admit to, but that all assistants knew about. 

Then Maharajapuram came into my office and complained that Geraldine from R & D bit him in the elevator. I thought that was kind of kinky, but even more so since Geraldine is something like 60-years-old. 

But then a little while later Aho complained that Maharajapuram bit Mai Ding. I was very surprised because I didn't think Mai Ding even liked Maharajapuram. 

Not long after, Aho complained that Mai Ding was eating Chelsea the Intern. I thought that was really odd because, Chelsea the Prostitute only gave hand jobs and would never let the customer eat her out. 

By 1:00 I had to close my office door because of all the screaming. Sometimes my team just needs to fight it out. 

At about 1:15 Blair came into my office and told me the building was full of zombies. I agreed, because most people at my company are mindless idiots. It was past lunch time, so I told her I was starving. This, for some reason, freaked her out and she ran screaming from my office. 

Fiona the Cunt called me and said that Mulhausen was eating Fernandez. I said, Yeah, April Fools to you too. Then I told her to bite me.

Fiona the Cunt showed up at my office a few minutes later and tried to bite me. 

Gladstone showed up with an axe and chopped Fiona the Cunt's head off. I thought that was a little extreme, but since it was Fiona the Cunt, I didn't make issue of it. 

Then I realized that when Blair said "zombies" she really meant "flesh eating zombies". 

As we speak, Gladstone and I are barricaded in my office. Without any alcohol. What fucked up ending to a fucked up day. 

Who would have thought something like this could have happened on April 1st. 

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