Wednesday
23Jan
Rule 4: Use Business Sense When You Have Sex with Co-Workers
Wednesday, January 23, 2008 at 08:42AM Some people are of the opinion that sex with co-workers is a bad thing. They may be absolutely correct, but it's still going to happen. So you should at least understand the ramifications of lascivious behavior with co-workers and how to minimize the risk.
Here's a list of things you should never do:
- Never have sex with someone who works for you. The potential for a sexual harassment suit against you and your company is very high. So don't even think about this one. If you're considering hiring someone who you think you might have difficulty with down the road, DO NOT hire that person. Hire the homely or dorky person. Not to generalize, but they'll probably get the job done better anyway.
- Never fuck around with someone who doesn't have just as much to lose as you do. If you're married, you'd better only fuck around with someone who's also married or you might lose both your job and your marriage. Same goes for job title. If you're a vice president, make sure the person you're bumping uglies with has a career they value too. If you mess around with a single 21-year-old woman in an entry-level position who gets pissed off at you one day, what does she have to lose by calling both your boss and your wife?
- Never fuck the boss' wife or daughter. Do I have to explain this one? I didn't think so.
- Never let your personal life interfere with business. If you two love birds are having a quarrel, don't bring it into the office. If you let your personal feelings drive your business decisions, you are a failure in the business world. You suddenly hate each other, but you still have to work together. If she has a good idea, it's a good idea. If you shoot it down because you're pissed off at her, others will see right through you and you will lose all credibility. Don't be an ass.
Now, here are the things you should avoid. You probably won't lose your job over these, but they tend to make life at the office painful:
- Avoid people in your same department. You end up competing for the same positions, raises, merit increases. It makes things very tense around the office and then later in bed. You see them too much as it is, think about after the break-up. Every single day will be a drag.
- Avoid seeing two people who are in the same department. If you're going to mess around with multiple people at work, keep them as separated as possible. Otherwise you get into the love triangle crap that you see in soap operas.
- Avoid the company slut. People will make fun of you and nobody else will want to touch your dirty dick. Likewise for women, avoid the company man-whore, otherwise nobody will want to touch your dirty cooch.
- Avoid using email to flirt or talk dirty to your new company fuck buddy. Email is not private. Anything you send or receive can be read by others. Granted, nobody is watching and reading every email that goes through the pipe, but some systems flag emails with certain words and phrases, like "fuck", "suck", and "meet me in the conference room in five so you can tickle my pickle".
- Speaking of which, you should avoid having sex in conference rooms during the work day. This should probably be listed under "never", but it's so damn exhilarating... Anyway, try to do this after hours if you just have to nail someone on a conference room table. And you know the phrase, "Get a room"? Well, get a room that locks from the inside. And watch out for the cleaning crew. They unlock those doors lightening fast.
As far as I'm concerned, everything else is fair game. Some people feel very strongly one way or the other. I'm curious to know, so if you haven't already taken the poll, please do. And leave a comment if you'd like to elaborate on your opinion. And as always, feel free to add to my lists if you think I forgot something important...
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FIRST!
Very well stated Jason! BTW, conference room sex is that much more exhilerating in a high-rise with a 360 degree view of the city =P