I’m not going to waste time restating all the obvious rules for maintaining a “friends with benefits” relationship, like No spending the night or Use condoms. I’m sure everyone is up-to-speed on the basics. What I’m going to give you are 5 rules that will guarantee your FWB status won’t accidentally slip into a bona-fide relationship.

1. No first aid

If your fuck buddy slices her hand by accident while cutting limes for tequila shots, do not assist her in stopping the bleeding. That would imply you give a shit...

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The telephone was an incredible invention. But once we got over how revolutionary it was, we also realized what an incredible annoyance it was. Because it forced us to communicate with friends and family whether we wanted to or not. Which is why text messaging has literally become our telecommunications savior.

We can ask or answer a question without being forced into an entire conversation. We can have quick, to-the-point conversations, and even multiple conversations with multiple people at once.

And now Phone sex also has its abbreviated and more convenient version delivered in the form of “sexting”.

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You’re going out with someone for the first time and you want to make a really good impression, so what do you do? There are things you want to do, things you could do, but what should you do?

Lie like a motherfucker.

Most dating and relationship sites will tell you to be honest and upfront on your first date. But this blog isn’t about developing strong, long-lasting relationships. It’s about getting laid. So fuck their advice and listen to me…

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be yourself on a date. I’m saying that you should be yourself pretending to be someone else on a date. That way, you’re being honest about being yourself without actually being yourself. Is this making any sense...?

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2D porn is good, but getting laid in 3D is the best. It just requires a lot more than a good grip and some lube.

First, if you want to increase opportunity, then stop going to the same places. Second, looking and acting like the locals will get you laid. It worked for Jake Sully, didn’t it?

Like in the movie Avatar, if you go to planet Polyphemus, you go out with your Na’vi body because he blends in with and relates to the natives–and let’s face it, he’s a lot stronger, more agile, and definitely much bigger than you are.

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This one is for the guys.

Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, there are no ugly people. There are just people you’re not attracted to. Everyone has their own taste. You know, like at work when you find out someone you think belongs in a circus act is actually married. Someone found that person attractive. Or your buddy likes them thick and you like them anorexic. It’s a matter of personal taste.

So when do you compromise your standards?

You’re in a bar, you’re there to get laid, and there’s only one women in the whole place who meets your qualifications...

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