The Status Report Test
Saturday, March 21, 2009 at 08:26AM Status reports are a complete waste of time, yet I am required to do one on a weekly basis. And I do. I don't like it; retraction, I fucking hate status reports! Even moreso, I fucking hate wasting my time.
Status reports are used by management to track productivity and performance, so I am told. I'm calling bullshit. Status reports are management's way of making you do something you don't want to do or a way for them to take all the credit for busting your ass to make them look good. They don't even read the damn things! Then there are those managers who require status reports because they have no fucking clue as to what it is you're doing. Having to rehash all the bullshit you just went through during the week is the perfect topper to a fucked up workweek; a complete mind-fuck!
Any company I've been with that requires status reports have experienced The Tech Babe Status Report Test:
Title: The Status Report Test
Background: Status Reports are Management tools to track productivity and performance.
Question: Does management actually read status reports?
Hypothesis: No. Status Reports are Bullshit.
Materials Needed: (1) Manager (2) Status Report (3) Wit.
Method:
(1) Prepare weekly status report with two page minimum. (The longer, the better.)
(2) Strategically insert non-work related items throughout and avoid use of profanity. Also use key productivity buzz words as the first word to every status line item. Key metrics are good too:
"Managed to take down a double-double with cheese in under 3 minutes on [mm/dd/yy],"
"Facilitated tweet-up on Tequila Thursday[mm/dd/yy,],"
"Completed manicure/pedicure on [mm/dd/yy]."
"Increased alcohol tolerance by 10% on [mm/dd/yy]."
"Meeting with parole officer on [mm/dd/yy] to reduce sentencing by 45 days.
(3) Submit to manager.
(4) Wait 24-48 hrs.
(5) Follow-up with manager to confirm receipt of submitted Status Report.
Results: After spending 3.5 hours on my status report, twelve pages later, submitting it to my manager, and following up with my manager, see below conversation thread:
[Tech Babe]: "I sent you my status report the other day. Did you get it?"
[Manager]: "Yes, thank you."
[Tech Babe]: "Did you get to read it yet. I know this one was a bit long." (That's what she said...ba dum bum)
[Manager]: "Yes, I did. Wow, 12 pages. Looks fantastic. Great work this week!"
[Tech Babe]: (FUCKING LIAR!)
***(End Test. Hypothesis Proven.)***
"But Tech Babe, what does all this mean?"
All this means is if you must do a weekly status report and you have successfully deployed this test, then status reports should not be such a complete mind-fuck anymore since you have proven you can insert bullshit.
My real take on status reports? Good managers should not require a status report. I'm one of those. I know exactly what my people are doing, why they're doing it, and who's asking them to do the work they're doing. I use status reports as punishment. I will only require a status report if you're an idiot or if you've taken longer than 45 minutes to bring me my lunch. I made [Rick] do a status report on Tuesday because it took him an hour and a half to bring me my sandwhich and he forgot my pickle. I had to question why the fuck he was out for 90 minutes after I just excused him from joining the conference call I was on so he could go and get us lunch. By the time he got back, I had to go to another meeting. No lunch. No pickle. Done. Status Report!
Reader Comments (12)
I used to have a manager who used to tell me "I don't like the use of personal pronouns in status reports."
What?! So you want this to be a list of my accomplishments that *YOU* can take credit for, right?
After that i started putting my full name in every line item.
About two weeks later he stopped requiring status reports.
I do not require status reports because I do not read them. If I need to know something, I ask for a quick status so that I can bullshit my way through a meeting. Then I get back to playing Half-Life in the Test Lab or having sex with someone in the Comm room.
Mine does what Jason X does (quick oral) and the department head requires a monthly status report so I have to do that. But only monthly. Still takes me way too long to sort, pick, and choose what looks best for someone who participates in "social media" more than her job requires.
Verbal. Not oral. You guys are rubbing off on me.
daNanner, you said "rubbing".
We used to do the same thing with papers in college, sure the prof wouldn't actually read them closely.
Great post lol. My last manager didn't want status reports. She said simply keep me informed of what you are doing by copying me on emails etc. I miss her a lot !
I like it when you send status reports to my inbox...
ShredderFeeder: Status report killer. I like it.
JasonX: You have just reaffirmed my Status Report Test.
daNanner: Monthly? Lucky. And yes. Yes, you did say oral.
daboychik: College papers were different. Not sure how it works today, but I know most profs don't have time to read all the papers they get so they have 'paper readers.'
Greg: I want your manager. She sounds like me. I miss me a lot too.
Far: With you, my dear friend, you can have any status report you'd like from me=)
Fuck-nugget wanted his whole department to come off to upper management as "one group, one mind" that sort of thing. Nevermind the fact that 2 of us carried the other five, so fuck him.
He's gone now - then again so is the company. Must have been all those status reports keeping us from doing REAL work.
ShredderFeeder: 'Fuck Nugget...' I'm using that! But YES! Status reports have driven most companies out of business. LOLOLOL!!!!
Impressive. You should follow this one up with useless memos sent by same manager that requires status reports. Did you get the memo? :) Yes, I'm in an Office Space kind of mood today....