Everyday at about  three o' clock in the afternoon, I crash. And I crash hard, Monday through Friday. Yes, yes, I know, it's because of those venti quads, so spare me the preaching! Well today was the worst crash ever. Today was day three of another series of lock-down sessions in the windy city.

These lock-down sessions are even more grueling than the ones we had just two weeks ago in L.A. We start every day at 8a.m. on the dot, which means I have to be up by six so that I have ample time to get dressed and make my Starbucks run. And everyone knows I haven't even taken my first piss of the day at 6a.m. nor can I speak before 9a.m. The sessions end no earlier than 7p.m. and breaks, including lunch breaks, are few and far between. Even worse, we aren't even fed or provided with an ample supply of Red Bull (and vodka), Rockstars (and vodka), or (Jack and) Coke! I mean come on! At least keep us caffeinated assholes!

So I lodged a complaint with the meeting facilitator yesterday about this. And today we were provided with doughnuts and water. I had already had a breakfast sandwich and my venti quad in preparation for having nothing. The meeting coordinator asked one of the admins to place all the doughnuts on a fancy tray to make it easier for people to see the goods. There were three chocolate bars, six glazed, three sprinkles, two jellies, and one sugar twist. One! The admin finished her doughnut presentation at about ten o' clock. (Bitch started at quarter of. Shit, no wonder this fucking project moves slower than a handicapped snail.)

I had my eye on that sugar twist the whole time. My eyes followed its every move. The doughnuts were placed with my eye on the prize. No one was supposed to have their share until the facilitator called a break. So the lone sugar twist was just there...teasing me. I wasn't going to eat it just yet as I just had my breakfast sandwich. I wanted to snag it and save it for my upcoming three o' clock sugar crash. It's now 10:05 and still no break. Five minutes later two people stand up to walk their ass cramps off, I suppose. Another woman stands up and I'm thinking she's doing the same thing. But then I realized she was walking straight for that doughnut tray. I followed her eyes across the path and she was gunning for that sugar twist--MY sugar twist! She was about halfway there which equated to about my exact point-to-point distance from that doughnut tray. There was no way I was going to let this bitch nab my sugar twist. I called it dammit! Granted, it was in my head when I called it but this bitch was still going. I had to think fast and figure out a way to knock this bitch out of the way without being too obvious. Aha! My boss was sitting at the edge of the table along the path to the doughnut tray. The bitch was about five steps away from that sugar twist and my boss was two steps away. At that moment, I IM'd my boss with: "Can you come over real quick. You have to read this email." He immediately got up out of his chair and backed up right into the bitch! (Boom boom pow bitch!) My boss, of course, had to take a moment to apologize to her and ask if she was okay, which gave me enough time to make it to that doughnut tray and claim my prize. I supplemented her fury by placing the sugar twist on a plate, covering it with a napkin, and setting it on the desk right next to my laptop. Oh, she was mad. She was so ready to eat it up and yet here I am saving it for later. It was fantastic. 

Three o' clock rolled around and felt the crash coming. I jammed that sugar twist down my throat and left nothing more than a few sugar crystals on the sides of my mouth. I licked my lips slowly and sucked the sugar off my finger tips, then smiled. 

(Yes, I know. It's only a doughnut. But that's not the point. And I'm not sure there is a point to this story, but I won in the doughnut brawl.)