The past two weeks have tested me with the idiocies of my QA Team. Ok, so they're not my people, per se, but they were assigned to my project by the QA Director. (We'll call him "Dick;" not to be confused with "Dick from Finance" or "Dick from Production Support.")

I just got back from another series of lock-down sessions in Dallas, Texas that was focused on QA. Dick sent his QA Lead, a test data architect, a QA Analyst, and someone from the PMO, who was there to be an objective ear, observe and report back to the QA Director. Dick felt her participation was necessary considering the series of events that have occurred over the past thirty days...

[Cut to thirty days ago...]

Dick and I went to lunch to discuss my upcoming QA resource needs. Given the compressed testing time lines we are up against and the high-visibility of this multi-million dollar project I was running,  I needed the strongest, best of the best QA resources. That means, NO FUCK UPS! Dick heard me loud and clear and immediately went to work. 

I received an email from him later on that afternoon with a list of his "best" people:

A drunken Indian, QA Lead;

A pot-head, Data Architect;

A mean Russian dude, QA Analyst; and

A Chinese "dykie" woman, PMO.

I immediately thought, "Fuck.My.Life." This, is what I have to work with. (Fucking fantastic Dick!) I gave it a shot and set-up several meetings with this "ace" QA team. 

As expected, they all proved to be fucking idiots! While the drunken Indian was too busy going through an on-line bride catalog, the pot-head was more interested in making sure he was wrapped up by 4:20, the mean Russian, was just a fucking asshole, and the Chinese dyke couldn't understand the concept of my personal space, I knew what I had to do. 

[Back to present...]

I sent Dick an email, followed by a meeting request, to discuss and address my concerns. I didn't hear back from him for hours and this was urgent, as all testing activities begin next week. I gave him a few more hours to respond and still nothing.

I had no other choice but to submit a defect in Quality Center for this defective QA Team. I set the defect severity to "Critical," knowing that anything set to that severity had auto-alerts that escalated all the way up to VP level every 15 minutes, until the defect was acknowledged. This was the only way I could get him to call me back. And, it worked! Within three minutes of submitting that defect, I got a phone call.

"What seems to be the problem [Tech-Babe]?"

"I need your help. I need a new set of resources."

"But these are the only QA resources I have available. Can you be a little more specific with your concern?"

"Sure. YOUR QA TEAM SUCKS, DICK!"

(And I'll end it on that note...more to come...)