As normal progression would have it, or the lack thereof, I have, yet again, been given a reputation that is quite fitting, yet disturbing to the idiots around me; particularly, those idiots that carry a set of balls. Yes, it is I. Tech Babe is "The Ball Collector."

This all started last week in a series of yelling matches, beginning with the drunken Indian QA Lead, and ending with 'Dick.' Our, then, upcoming crazy ass, aggressive, and unreasonable testing schedule was fast approaching. I retract the "fast approaching." We were going into test two fucking days later. There we were with a 100,000 foot level test plan, a technical architecture diagram that looked like it was developed using an Etch-A-Sketch, and a support and communication plan that was studded with grammatical and spelling errors all over the place. All of which were tasks and deliverables assigned over a month ago! 

I had a meeting calendared on Tuesday so that the QA Team could present their deliverables to me and a room full of key business stakeholders. From past experience with this team, I also scheduled a preview meeting the day before so that I, and a few of my directs, could provide my input; sort of like a dry run presentation. And dry it was! I immediately rescheuled the key stakeholder meeting to Friday to get a more presentable presentation together. 

I flipped open my laptop and started an action items log. I turned to the QA Lead...

"Who put this Test Plan together?"

"The QA Team."

"Give me a name."

"But it's a collaborative effort."

"Fine, then your name goes on the line. Revised and due to me by noon tomorrow."

(Ball #1 collected.)

Without losing sight of my lap top screen, I turned to the Lead Architect...

"And where did this TAD (Technical Architectural Diagram) come from?"

"The two contractors we brought on, specifically for this project."

"When did they start?"

"Three weeks ago."

"Good, then they have no ties. Terminate their contract or move them off this project. Rework and update due to me by noon tomorrow. And for fuck's sake, use visio, will you?"

(Ball #2 collected.)

I glanced over at Dick, who was on the phone calling down the Sr. Program Manager...

"Dick, who owns the communication and support plan?"

"I just called the Sr. Program Manager. He's on his way down."

"But wasn't this your deliverable?"

"No. My deliverable was to ensure these deliverables were delivered."

"Did you hear yourself just now?"

[Enter the Sr. Program Manager]

"Is this your document?"

"Yes. Is the content acceptable?"

"Sure, if I read in fragments. See that little 'abc' button on the toolbar? USE IT!"

(Ball #3 collected.)

Dick asked if I could step into his office after that meeting. We walked down a maze of hallways and finally made it to his office.

"Do you seriously want me to get rid of those contractors?"

"Do what you want just take them off my project Dick!"

"But their contract is for six months."

"Great. Keep 'em. Just don't charge my project budget for it. And by the way, for every hour I spend having to rework deliverables assigned to your team will go against your budget, not mine."

"You are a real ball buster [Tech Babe]. No, seriously, you're always breakin' my balls."

I noticed a couple of stress balls sitting on his desk and swiped them.

"And I'm takin' them too. DO YOUR JOB!"

[Fast forward to Friday]

The key stakeholders were quite impressed with what was presented and thanked Dick and his team for having their shit together for such a highly visible and mission critical project. 

Dick walked over to me at the end of the meeting and with a smirk said,

"You busted my balls, stole them, and you can keep them. Thanks for keeping my head off the chopping block."

"Don't give me any ideas Dick. That could be next. Buy me a drink asshole."

Dick and I went to a local watering hole shortly after for a few cocktails. We're good, for now, anyway.