Mid-day sex has got to be thee best de-stresser one could ask for after a crazy morning filled with back-to-back meetings and having dealings with the likes of Danny Conrads, muffin-top and bagel bandits, and other pricks roaming around the office. Here are the other reasons why I love the idea of mid-day sex:

• You get right to the physical throws of passion because you're both time constrained
• The sex is definitely explosive because you both know you're time constrained
  
• There's no need for cuddling and talking about anything because you both know you're time constrained, and
• It's great cardio in the event you can't make it to the gym later because of an urgent task you're working on that is, of course, urgent and time constrained.
  

Really, all that's left to do after your 30 minutes of mid-day passion is:

• Give yourself a quick under-the-hood car wash (10min.)
  
• Put yourself back together (5min)
• Run by a drive through to grab a bite to take back to the office (15min)

And that's your 60 minute lunch. You can text or twitter each other later on in the day to schedule your next mid-day romp or night out or to continue the bedroom talk you couldn't finish because earlier because you were both time constrained. Ideally, for this to work as outlined, one of you should live nearby or be in close proximity to a Marriott, at minimum. (Cheap motels are out of the question, unless you're 16.)

We're finally getting together for a long overdue real night out this Saturday. This guy's a keeper!

The meeting was scheduled from 9:00a.m.-11:00a.m. Knowing Danny likes to listen to himself speak, I blocked out an extra 1/2 hour to accommodate for Danny sitting in his own self-absorbed ego drowning pool. And that was more than generous, I thought. I then scheduled a mid-day romp session with my Mexican Mormon, Johnnie Vasquez. Johnnie and I have been doing a lot of business travel lately so it's been difficult to synch calendars. Lunch hour has been our only opportunity lately. And guess what? I'm taking it!!!

It was now 11:20a.m. and JV was already sending me erotic text messages. Meanwhile, DC is going on and on about shit no one really cares about! I blurted, "So we're coming up on time here. Can we talk about next steps and schedule a part two session later this afternoon or tomorrow?"

"But we've only gotten through a third of this document and we have to cover the bulk of it today."

The rest of the meeting participants were already squirming in their seats with the "I gotta pee" look on their faces. Just when I thought I'd have enough backing on this DC makes a proposition.

"How about we take a 15 minute bio-break and I order lunch in, then will everyone stay?"

Of course! And what was I going to do? Leave and be tagged as the non-team player and let Danny look like God? HELL NO!!!!

Danny knew I had a lunch date since he asks the admin to check what I've got on my calendar daily. I blocked off my mid-day romp session as "Dr. Appt." Of course with Danny here, he knows what that means because that's what he and I used to do back at our other job when we'd take off for extended lunch periods. Well, his would have something to do with his car, like an oil change or something.

Point, he was on to me and knew why I was overly anxious to get out of that meeting that already ran 1/2 hour over.

I texted JV and apologized sincerely and told him I'd make it up to him somehow. Being the understanding guy that he is, no big deal. I mean sure, he was a bit disappointed and may have even been a bit "blue." But there was no way in hell Danny was going take this meeting over without me putting up a fight!

The meeting went on til 2:30p.m. The business still doesn't know what they want. Danny's an asshole. My kitty went from a purr to a roar. But good news is Johnnie accepted my reschedule for Wednesday afternoon. And this time, the subject line read "Meeting w/ Finance." DC stays away from Finance since they're always ripping him a new one with his expense reports!

Good thing, cuz this kitty needs taming!!!

That’s right, you guessed it…we’re re-org’ing again folks! But this one is pretty drastic from what I understand. This time a Senior senior senior manager’s position is being “eliminated” and those that reported up to this senior x3 manager are merging in with my department. Anytime a position is being “eliminated” at that level, there’s a strong possibility the entire department is going too. Doesn’t sound too drastic, but if you worked here, you’d understand.

Makes me so proud to be part of this organization!

Off the top, this shit is sick! The graphics n the speed r like no other device on the mkt.                  (Thx 3G!) Lotsa free apps, quick installs, and gotta' luv the addition of MS Outlook Exchg                    n Active Sync.

Wut I don't like so far, but worth the patience n getting used 2...

-No SMS text features w/ the cute smileys=( 

-Lotsa typos for chics w/ nails, so takes longer to type nething

-Contacts search bar isn't static

Guess u can't have it all...but I luv my new toy=)

(BTW, this took me about 1/2 hr to post fr my iPhone=/) 

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Sent from my iPhone. Please excuse any typpoos n brevity. 

Like the "world" really gives two shits about email banter...

Danny Conrad has really done it this time and I'm conjuring up a payback plan as I write this now.

There is nothing that peeves me more than being copied on every single email thread that contains absolutely no value to me nor my department; where no response is needed, no opinions required, hence, no expectations. All this does is fill up my mailbox til I hit the maximum storage limit. Then I spend the rest of the fucking day filing emails away. It would be simpler to hit the delete button, but then I open my ass up to free spankings if I'm not careful.

POINT #1: I hate when people copy me on everything. I NEVER do that because I know how annoying it could be!

Danny, of course, doesn't get it. He got burned a few times for not copying the appropriate individuals on emails that had critical and urgent contents in it. So, in a way, I understand why he chooses to copy the world on everything. But in this situation, it was completely unnecessary.

I started the email chain asking for his ETA on reviewing a Statement of Work from one of our suppliers, indicating the urgency in finalizing by end of day Thursday, 07/03/08, to prevent project timeline risk. He responds to my email with the following response:

"My review cannot be completed in the timeline you allotted. Any good Program Manager should know contract reviews don't happen over night. I will be out of the office until 07/11/08 and will get my review in then. In the meantime, if this creates missed target dates, there will be serious consequences from the business areas." -D. Conrad

Oh, and this went out to approximately 15 recipients on copy, including the Division CIO and two VP's. How idiotic is he?!?! There's gotta' be 1,000 things wrong with that email. (Ok fine...more like 5 things wrong.)

POINT #2: I especially hate when people Cc: the entire world to include multiple layers of management when personal attacks are so obvious in the tone of the email.

There was a lot of back and forth from that last response and everytime I responded, I deleted recipient names. He, on the other hand, kept adding them all back in! WHY?!?!?! I don't fucking get it! Oh, but he conveniently fails to mention, that this SOW has been sitting in his inbox for the past two and half weeks (ASSHOLE!!!). The email feuding went a few more rotations but in the end, he managed to berate me amongst my peers and colleagues, criticize the way I do my job, and make himself look like the biggest fucking prick in the organization! HA!!!!

Maybe I don't need a good payback plan after all. But I'm still open to suggestions, thoughts, etc...

We had another re-org, yet again. A total of seven, three major and 4 minor, which included inter-departmental re-orgs. But who's counting? I do love people-watching come re-org time. There's an air of nervousness, anxiety, fear of being outsourced, etc. all around...the whispers, the silent stares, the sudden increase in productivity-- it's just flat out pandimonium! It fucking amuses me. Not that I'm that cold of a human being, but I'm amused, moreso because those that fall into auto-panic state are more likely the poor performers, who's skills have dulled, but yet managed to have flown under the radar for years and have gotten away with it. And this, sadly enough, includes Senior Level Managers. How these people climb the ranks over here is beyond me. So rather than getting rid of dead weight, they simply take away any direct reports and decommission you in the "Special Projects" cloud. This is how my organization looked like in the beginning of the year-pretty standard, except for that for VP guy in the Special Projects cloud (I hear he's been there for a couple of years now):

I usually take these re-orgs with a grain of salt and become completely unaffected by it. Re-orgs are almost always simply a change in reporting structure for budgetary reasons; but the job doesn't change, typically. As long as a paycheck is coming my way, I've got no issues with it. Besides we all operate under a matrixed reporting structure anyways, so who gives a fuck? Yeah, that was my attitude about 2 months ago when after another re-org, it looked like this:

Yes, that Special Projects cloud got bigger. One of the new fallen Directors was my MIA Boss. And as a result, I picked up two more areas of responsibility. Still not too big of a deal, but I was becoming more concerned than I really led on. Fuckers man. Another one, or two, rather, bites the dust. Still retaining their VP and Director statuses, same pay, just now working on a Special Project, with no visibility, and therefore no accountability. And no one knows what the fuck kind of special projects these are!

With the latest and greatest re-org, just announced late Wednesday, it's now looking like this:

And by the way, that bright red bubble call-out that reads "HELLO Muther Fuckers...I'm dyin' here"? That's me, Tech Babe. Even more areas of responsibility, with no pay increase, no additional headcount, and not a single competent Sr. Manager left in the hierarchy. It's only a matter of time that the Special Projects cloud becomes even bigger. As a matter of fact, so many idiots have been decommissioned to the SP cloud that they're fucking things up even moreso now with absolute zero control that the Division CIO formally named the longest standing SP guy, VP, Special Projects & Governance. And his immediate responsibility? To establish a standard governance procedure and methodology tailored to "Special Projects" to regain control over these special projects that no one ever knows what they even are! What the fuck did I just say...I don't know, bottom line, it's late, I'm tired, and my goal is to hit VP status in 6 months so I can fuck up as much as I want, still get paid, still retain an executive title, and write blogs all day. (Not really.)

I guess there is a silver lining to every cloud--regardless of what kind of cloud it is--which is, that second re-org brought me two things: (1) Venky, who I can play pranks on, yell at, and still count on him to deliver in spite of all that because I am now his "work-wife" and (2) Johnnie Vasquez, my Mexican Mormon who I'm now exchanging bodily fluids with.

Yeah, I'm going to really count on that silver lining when Performance Evals come around. Son of a... 

 *night*
 

Danny knows I’m so not a morning person. He’s also always competing with me, even though he knows I’m not competing with him--especially in the work place. He turns everything into a game show where contestants’ skill-sets are challenged and IQ levels tested. Game show categories have included or include:

· Most animated power point presentation

· Fastest code interpreter

· Most complicated and elaborate SQL Query

· Email Composition

· And of course, most visible project assignment

Sounds fun, doesn’t it? He won’t admit that I blow him out of any and all of the categories above, so to go for the grand prize, which is to take my job or get promo’d before I do, he resorts to petty little games to make me look bad--like scheduling an 8a.m. meeting on any given day, especially on a Monday, knowing damn well I won’t be there.

I got into the office at 7:50a.m., and waited outside the conference room until 8a.m. exactly. I gave it one more minute to get him going with his formal announcement to the participants of my non-responsiveness to the sense of urgency in and around this project. While waiting, I composed a quick text message to Danny, but it didn't send it just yet. I walked in casually, sipping my triple-venti-non-fat-easy caramel-light whip caramel machiatto, apologized for being a single minute late, looked at him and gave him the nod; you know, the “sit your ass down, I’ve got it from here” nod. Right as he sat, I hit SEND on my blackberry and proceeded with the meeting. Danny reached for his blackberry and read the following:

SORRY YOU LOSE, PLEASE TRY AGAIN…GAME ON ASSHOLE!

Yeah, that got him heated. He would usually fire right back at me regardless of who was around, but being the newbie on the floor, he knew he still had to prove himself. Yes, the ability to be a bitch or an asshole in the workplace is earned.

And by the way, I only made it in as early as I did because I had a “welcome back from Vegas” late night session with Johnnie Vasquez at his place and he had it worse than me—a 7a.m. Monday meeting! Poor guy, I rocked him pretty good last night too.

LAL  92

BOS 131

Or maybe this image will help:

A big game night for me is also a big game night for him. But not because he is supporting the team I'm cheering on, but moreso because it will determine what kind of mood I'll be in after the game, which, in turn, determines what kind of sex he's going to get after the game. Either way, it's a win-win situation for him. We will have sex.

If the Lakers lose, I'll be angry at first, cussing up a storm, but will likely take down a few shots of straight vodka to calm my nerves. When I'm in that state, Johnnie knows to back off and give me a moment. But as soon as those vodka shots hit, the anger is just about gone and Johnnie hits me with the "It'll be alright, there's always the next game" spiel. Then the night ends with nice n' slow and overly passionate sex...comfort sex - He "drives."

If the Lakers win, I'll be on complete overdrive with endless bursts of "Fuck yeahs" and singing the "We Love L.A." hook repeatedly along with the other Laker fans in the bar. And it's likely that I'll take a few shots of, not vodka, but tequila, which gets me a bit devilish when it hits. And when I'm that pumped, topped with a couple shots of Patron in my system, Johnnie knows I'll have to get all that energy out somehow to get to sleep. Then the night ends with hot n' dirty erotic sex...porn star sex - I drive.

So tonight, another nail-biting and close game. But the Lakers pulled it off! Final Score: 87 - 81, LAL!!!!! I'll slip on my purple n' gold to celebrate tonight's win.

FUCK YEAH!!!!