The User Pool Micro Blog

Black Friday

2010-01-08T18:30:34Z

It's interesting when you die because the company actually openly acknowledges your contributions. When you're alive, the company can only acknowledge your contributions behind closed doors. And each contribution needs to be balanced with some sort of "needs improvement" otherwise it positions the employee for a promotion or at least a pay increase. Management 101: always temper praise with criticism, otherwise your employee will develop a very annoying sense of entitlement. Squash that attitude before it even develops.

I personally don't care about being praised for the work I do because I don't really do any work. Instead, I delegate. And although I don't seek praise, I get praise for the things other people do because it appears that I have done those things myself.

And now that I'm dead, I'm doing even less than I did before but getting more praise than ever before.

The only people that know I'm alive are the people in Payroll. I assured them that my death was only a false rumor. Nobody talks to the people in Payroll, so my secret should be safe.

Death is good.

Keep Out

2009-12-24T22:30:39Z

Santa: you're not welcome here.

A Jason X Charlie Brown Christmas Tree Tradition

2009-12-22T05:11:23Z

I have an Xmas tradition of finding the smallest, most pathetic Charlie Brown Christmas tree on the lot and trying to negotiate a price lower than whatever they have it priced at based on how pitiful it looks. They never come down on the price and I always buy it anyway.

This year, I went to two lots and neither place had a tree pathetic enough to satisfy my holiday tradition. So rather than chance another lot, I found a random branch on the ground that I thought would make the most wretched and worthless Charlie Brown Christmas "tree" ever. I asked, "How much for this branch?" The guy said, "Nothing."

It was a Christmas miracle...

(The tag is from last year. And notice the hand made paper angel at the top; that's been around for years, if you couldn't tell...)

Pussy Whipped

2009-12-21T20:32:48Z

Now that's the way to hold your girlfriend's purse. Over the shoulder. It should feel comfortable, like it's yours. This is how you tell the world you've given up on being a man.

Holiday Spirit

2009-12-21T18:06:55Z

Who says I'm not in the holiday spirit this year? Would Anita Head look this festive if I wasn't? I keep walking around the house thinking, "Ho ho ho." You can't get more jolly than that.

No snow in L.A., so no snowball fights. But we do have dirt clods. So I'm going to go find some kids and start a dirt clod fight with them. It feels so Xmassy...

The Holiday Party

2009-12-14T22:21:04Z

I've decided to lay low for this year's holiday party, which is on Thursday. The last two years I've overextended myself. This year, I'm going to play matchmaker with Fiona the Cunt and Kelsey's Angry Fiancé to get both of them off my back. Oddly, I don't really care about hooking up with anyone myself. I just feel like getting really drunk and belligerent and getting kicked out.

My company tends to reward members of management who "play hard" because they believe that is a reflection on how that manager works. Being drunk and disorderly at the holiday party will most likely get me promoted. Happy new year...

Tequila Thursday Hangover Friday

2009-12-04T19:43:08Z

The downside to Tequila Thursday is rolling in on Friday with a hangover. Granted, I don't do any work in the office on Fridays, but I should at least be trolling the halls for pussy. The hangover is seriously impeding my ability to fuck around.

I can't give up Tequila Thursday, but I also can't keep letting it fuck with my free time Fridays.

If you have any home remedies for hangovers, let me know. Or maybe I just start drinking again when I come in on Fridays. Hair of the dog that bit you. Certainly won't impact my productivity since I produce nothing on Fridays anyway.

Zombie Attack

2009-11-29T23:25:46Z

Here's what I'm thinking... If the zombies attack and I get bitten, don't put a bullet in my brain. I think I want to try it out for a while. Just to see what it's like. I mean, if I'm trying to eat you, sure, I guess you need to pop me. Otherwise, let me lurch around and munch on some human scraps.

Don't knock it until try it.

Kelsey Hired

2009-07-29T22:37:15Z

Looks like they're hiring Kelsey. I'd like to think it's because of me. Though it's not. She's been hired as a Licensing Coordinator in Apparel. I swear to God, the requirement to be a Licensing Coordinator in this company is to simply be a young, hot woman just out of college.

Kudos to the hiring managers in this company; they are the best possible suppliers a User Pool could ever hope for.

Lucia Found Me

2009-04-28T23:25:59Z

Lucia found me in conference room 3402; this is where we had the Sexoricism. She told me to repent and come to Bible Study tomorrow at lunch. I told her I was busy at that time, but that I'd be happy to sodomize her tomorrow night. She was fine with that.

Blair is still looking. If Lucia can find me, anyone can. I'm packing up and going back to my office. But I'm going to close the door until 5:00 pm, then run out of the building as if it were Fire Drill Friday.

I may make it through this day yet.