us·er pool [yü-zer pül]
In the world of technology, a User is someone who uses a computer. More specifically, it's someone who asks stupid questions about the use of that computer.
In the context of this blog, a Pool refers to an available supply, the use of which is shared by a group.
At one of the largest entertainment companies in Los Angeles, my job is to provide technical direction and support to these users, many of whom are female. That's where things get a little messy...
I had drinks with Tabbatha last Wednesday night because my dick told me that I should. My brain told me that I shouldn't, so I compromised by having drinks with her, but inviting my own cock block: Maharajapuram, my Inidan programming lead.
I invited Maharajapuram for drinks specifically because he does not drink. If you're going to invite your own cock block out for drinks, you need to make sure he doesn't become a whiskey dick or he's not gonna block anything.
On the other hand, I decided to drink like crazy so that I wouldn't be able to do shit. The more I wanted to have sex with Tabbatha, the more I drank. But the more I drank, the more I wanted to have sex with Tabbatha. And the more I drank, the more she drank. And the more we both drank, the more obnoxious we became and the more Maharajapuram wanted to leave.
In fact, at one point, I looked away from Tabbatha and saw that Maharajapuram was gone. Long gone. And I also noticed that my finger was inside Tabbatha under the table. My entire plan was a huge failure.
We stumbled back to the office, showed the sercurity guard our IDs, said we had some work to do. He sighed and continued reading his mag.
We then had sex on the couch in my office. Well, sort of sex. I could barely perform. Barely function. But I pulled it off when I finally managed to get my uncooperative dick inside her. Sex with Tabbatha lasted about 10 seconds.
Thursday night I had sex with Knipples again, but this time when she fell asleep because of her Sexolepsy, I just closed my eyes and pretended I was fucking Tabbatha correctly this time. When Knipples orgasmed, she woke up and screamed "Holy fucking shit!" and then thanked me for fucking her so well while she was asleep.
Both women want sex again. Knipples, because it's the best sex she's ever had asleep and Tabbatha because it was the worst sex she's ever had awake. I can't win.
I was all prepared today to come up with an excuse not to have drinks with Tabbatha tonight. In fact, I came up with a whole list to choose from:
- Sick grandmother (oldie but a goody)
- Smithee, my imaginary boss, is making me work late
- I was bitten by a bat and need to go get a rabies shot
- I have to go home because I forgot to set my DVR to record People's Choice Awards
- I have AIDS
- Zombie Apocalypse
But when she walked into my office this morning, she didn't look like sweet Tabbatha. She looked like sexy slutty office worker who wants to be treated like a farm animal.
Usually, she wears conservative business attire. You know, the button down white shirt with only the top button undone; slacks or maybe a long skirt; medium heels.
But today, she had on a top that revealed cleavage--cleavage I didn't even know she had. She's got some sort of Victoria's Secret push-up/padded, here's-my-tennis-ball-tits-in-your-face kind of bra on under that tight black and white top. She was also wearing a black skirt above the knees with a pair of spiked heels that I could only imagine digging into my back while I nail the fuck out of her.
"Still on for tonight?" she asked.
"Definitely," I said without one millisecond of hesitation.
That whole list of excuses was suddenly torched and discarded, and the don't-fuck-your-employee policy was immediately amended to be the fuck-the-living-shit-out-of-your-employee policy.
She left my office and I just sat there trying to figure out what just happened. Regardless, looks like I'm having drinks with sweet, possibly slutty, Tabbatha tonight. But I'm sure nothing will happen...
What's worse than having sex with someone who works for you? Having sex with two people who work for you. It's not an ethical issue (for me); it's a question of complication. It's complicated enough having sex with the Users.
Knipples still wants me to have sex with her, even though she falls asleep every time we start having sex. And even though she never knows we're having sex because of her Sexolepsy, she thinks it's the greatest sex she's ever had.
But when I have sex with Knipples, it feels like date rape or necrophilia. Which would be fine if I were into either one of those things. But I'm not, so it's very difficult for me to have sex with her even though I'm the best sex she's ever had asleep.
The other issue is that she works for me. I swore I would never have sex with anyone who worked directly for me. But since she's asleep during sex, it's as if I never did it. Which makes it almost worth doing again, except for the fact that the reason I can fuck my own employee is the same reason I cannot fuck my own employee.
Tabbatha is also a direct report. She's very cute, but I'm not attracted to her because she's too sweet for me. Which is why I felt safe asking her if she wanted to have a drink with me after work sometime. She accepted the invitation for drinks which is why I can no longer have a drink with her after work sometime. Nobody that sweet has drinks with me after work. And if she's not really that sweet, I'll become attracted to her and try to have sex with her.
In summary: I can have sex with Knipples because she sleeps through it, which is also the reason I can't have sex with Knipples. I can have a drink with Tabbatha because she's so sweet, but only if she refuses to have a drink with me. Since she didn't refuse to have a drink with me, so I can no longer have a drink with Tabbatha.
I'm supposed to have a drink with Tabbatha tomorrow night and have sex with Knipples on Thursday night. I need to get out of both situations. What happened to the good old days when I used to just fuck the clients?
After the first 4 plagues on HR a couple of weeks ago, Triplet, the VP of HR, accused me of being the perpetrator of those plagues. Pangbourn, the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team, told Triplet that I could not possibly be the perpetrator of those plagues given that I'm neither a terrorist nor a satanist. Apparently, he did a full background check on me a few months back because he thought I might be the person trying to blow him up with a bomb.
Pangbourn is looking for a satanist who also happens to be a terrorist OR a terrorist who also happens to be a satanist.
Since I am neither, I am in the clear. And free to continue to plague HR.
5. Zombie Plague: I thought it might be cool to turn HR people into zombies. I checked into getting a hold of the "Rage Virus" from 28 Days Later, but apparently it doesn't actually exist. That was disappointing. So the only other thing I could think of was to put No-Doz in their afternoon coffee pot.
It was pretty obvious who the afternoon coffee drinkers were the next day because they looked like they didn't get any sleep and were walking around like zombies. Dark circles under their eyes, that dopey look on their faces, and very slow moving. Unfortunately, they didn't eat other people. To exasperate the situation, I put Ambien in their morning coffee. Zombies were dropping like flies.
6. Fire Plague: That same day, there was a fire drill scheduled. Many of the HR people didn't make it out of the building because they were asleep at their desks. I told Tefft we should all pretend they actually died, since technically, the pretend fire would have killed them all if it had been a real fire.
Tefft decided it would be appropriate to hold a pretend memorial service for the pretend dead HR people, especially since this year's Thanksgiving theme was based on the Salem Witch Trials, celebrating the puritans' efforts to rid the world of witches by burning and hanging those found guilty of the evil craft. HR was not pleased with this pretend memorial service, but Tefft reminded them that a pretend fire is just as dangerous as a real fire if you don't follow the rules.
7. Ghost Plague: Now that most of HR is dead, they are have been cursed to walk the building as ghosts. Nobody will listen to what they have to say because nobody can see or hear them. Except me. I see dead HR People all over the place.
R.I.P. Human Resources.