I've written about quiet quitting, quiet firing, and loud quitting. It's time we discuss quiet employment. If companies can box us out and subtly fire us, why can't we quietly get hired even if the employer doesn't know they're hiring us? There are various challenges to overcome and some critical steps needed to accomplish this. Only the bold attempt this but, believe it or not, they do so with a high rate of success. Pay close attention, and you too, can get hired at a company that didn't hire you.
Getting past Security. This is not as difficult as it seems. No, you don't need to be tech savvy and circumvent security with a hack; that's a movie trope and unrealistic because movies don't reflect reality like this fact-based article.
It's all about ingenuity. Pretend to be there to deliver flowers or a package; or your wife works there and her water just broke; or maybe you're pest control and have been called in because there's a badger lose on one of the floors. Or just hurdle the turn style and run for the elevators (knocking people over as you go like in the movies, even though this is reality).
Once inside, find a person who most closely resembles you and steal their ID badge; their face appears on the security screen every time they badge in, so you want to make sure you have a decent doppelgänger. You could also take this opportunity to level up on looks if can find an upgraded version of yourself. It'll be just like using a filter on Instagram.
Normalizing your presence. Choose a floor, find an empty desk. Anyone asks, tell them you're new but work for a department on another floor that has overflow issues. Let people know you're only sitting here temporarily. People will get used to you being there but you won't have to interact closely with any of them. Smile a lot but no googly eyes. You're not ready to have any conversations with HR yet.
After you normalize your presence, start attending meetings. Your actual fake department should be one that frequently interacts with other departments (like HR, Legal, DEI, Creative Services, or make one up, like Office of Time Management). You were not invited by the meeting sponsor; you were asked to attend by the EVP of Time Management. Make irrelevant comments to solidify the perception that you are from one of the unnecessary departments that contributes very little but inserts themselves in everything to appear more relevant. This continues to normalize your presence.
Since you haven't actually been hired, you won't actually be getting paid for your unsolicited services yet. So once you establish a consistent rapport with people who actually have been hired, send a note to HR claiming you haven't been paid yet. Be a consultant to avoid the bureaucracy of becoming a full-time employee. Have someone you're close to in the department you're not working in provide confirmation to HR. Ask them for this favor because your actual fake boss is on a 6 week sabbatical and you can't go another 6 weeks without pay.
Now it's time to stop being that annoying guy from that insipid outlier department and turn up the charm and value. In fact, you might even consider seducing one of the higher ranking executives in the department. Don't worry, you can't be accused of sexual harassment if you're harassing a superior. I learned that at the last fake job I had with HR. Additionally, you don't even work there, so you can't be fired anyway. The goal is to win the department over and make them wish you worked in their department instead of the Office of Global Protocol or whatever you come up with. Once an opening comes up, guess who they're going to select to fill the spot? That funny, quirky, strange person who doesn't belong but does and also still doesn't.
Stop waiting for others to hire you; find the job you want and just show up to work. If you think, for one second, corporate has any idea what's going on, you don't know corporate America. Otherwise, how could I create my own fake boss and get everyone to believe he was real? Remember, perception is everything.